Category: bar & drinking

Sign seen in a bar:

“Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.”

This guy runs into a bar and shouts “Quick, how tall is a penguin??”

The bartender looks stunned.

“An empire penguin can be about this tall” he says, gesturing.

So the guy says, “Oh no, I just ran over two nuns!”

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arabian are sitting in a bar.
The Englishman says, “I’ve got ten children, one more and I’ll have a football team.”

The Welshman says, “I’ve got fourteen children, one more and I’ll have a rugby team.”

The Arabian says, “I’ve got seventeen wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course.”

this Irishman walks into a bar and he notices down at the end of the bar, threes a guy that looks identical to himself. he walks up to the man and says, my gosh man, we look a like. the Irishman at the bar said, your right my man, we sure do. the other Irishman said, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, that is amazing, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, well tell me chap, what city in Ireland are you from? Dublin, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, IM also from Dublin the other Irishman said, well what school did you go to in Dublin? St. Francis my friend, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, i also went to St. Francis, my gosh we both came here from Ireland, from the same city, the same school, this is really amazing. about that time this other guy comes in and sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, whets up Sam? the bartender says oh nothing much, with a bored look on his face, he motions with his thumb toward the two Irishmen and says, the O’Malley twins are drunk again.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

why did the crab go clubbing?????
because he pulled a muscle.

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as
usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. after looking at
her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living snot
out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were
pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, ‘Shoot, I thought you’d
be tougher than that, Batman.’

This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.The barman relied “I don’t want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!”The guy replied “But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out.”After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin. “Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it?” $200 was exchanged.That evening, the barman returned home to his wife. “Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!”

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.

He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I’ll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

‘I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.’

your family is so poor i went to your house and steped on a ciggeret bud and your momma said who turned off the heater

there is this guy and he has no arms and his balls itch so he goes around asking people if they can scratch them he goes up to a girl and asks her to scratch them and she says no but she says nobut he says please ive got no arms so she does it and sayswhat is that and he took his arms out of his shirt and says i dont know but i wuznt going to touch it

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.”

The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else.”

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?” The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.”

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”