Category: bar & drinking

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer… and a mop.

yo mommas so fat she uses a VCR as a beeper!

THE BRITISH BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish.5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember)9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

two men in a bar on the 28th floor of a building. first guy says to the second,” i bet you $100 i can jump out that window and jump back in again a second later, unharmed” the second guy accepts and the first guy does exactly as he said. The second guy is totally shocked (and getting drunk) and he bets another $300 that he cant do it again. Well he does do it again, and the second guy has to pay up. Then the second guy decides that he could do it too, and bets $500 that he could. Laughing, the first man accepts, and the second man jumps out the window, and falls to his death.
Then the bar-tender turns to the first man and says, “gee, you can be a real bastard when your drunk, Superman”

One day a baby monkey asked its mother why he is so ugly and the mother told him that he should thank God because he had to see how the person reading this story looks like.

A skeleton walks in a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.””That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?””I’m not sure yet,” he answered.”During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they’d let me know.”

a man walked into a bar? (dont get it do ya)
he said owwwwwww

Story goes that one of the Clancy Brothers of folk music fame was walking through Chicago when he comes across an Irish bar. He poked his head in and, seeing a large crowd yells, “Screw the Irish!”

All heads turned, and you could have heard a pin drop. He looks at the crowd and says, “I’m Irish, I’m just looking!”

This joke is fairly long but a guarenteed laugh!

There was a young farmer who was in need of a rooster. So he head down to the local shop to buy one.

He then says to the shopkeeper: “hello mister! I am in need of a rooster. Do you have one?” The shopkeeper replies:
“Why yes I do, but around these parts we don’t call them roosters. We call them coq’s.”
The man replies: “ok, ill take one coq”
So the man is off home with his coq.

The next day the farmer heads down to the shop again. This time to buy a goat. He says to the shopkeeper like yesterday…

“Hello again! I am in need of a goat. Do you have one?” The shopkeeper replies:
“Why yes I do, but we dont call them goat’s around here. We call them pullets” The farmer is confused of the shopkeepers habits, but decides to reply kindly: “Ok I’ll take one pullet.” So the farmer is on his way home with his coq and pullet.

The very next day he goes to the very same shop to find the very same shopkeeper and he asks: “Hello once again! I am in need of a donkey, do you have one?” The shopkeeper is about to reply before the farmer butts in and says: “Don’t tell me! You call it something else around these parts!” The shopkeeper pauses for a slight seconds then replies with:
“We do have a donkey, we nicknamed it ass because it’s useless and the only one left.”
The farmer replies with: “What’s wrong with it?”
The farmer says “It randomly stops while you ride it. The only way to make it move is to scracth it behind it’s ears.” The farmer isn’t too pleased with this but since he is desperate he buys the ass.

While on the ride home on his donkey, with his coq and pullet, the ass stops. Since the farmers hands are full he asks a nearby lady this… “Lady, Please will you hold my coq and pullet while I scratch my ass?”

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ”Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ”Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.” ”Why? Don’t ye believe me?”

A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot
for a dinner party that night. Instead of going
straight to the store, the husband decides to stop
at a local bar. He has a few beers, and then some
more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds
he’s over an hour late for the dinner party. He
dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and
frantically drives home. When he walks in the door
he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he
takes the bag of snails and quickly throws them
all over the floor. When his wife walks into the room,
he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”