Category: bar & drinking

What do you call a swimming pool full of black people? Cocoa Puffs.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over
and looks at his clock — it’s half-past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So, he
drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there�, slurs the stranger,
“Can you give me a push?”

“No. Get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed�, says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave,
that wasn’t very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us
started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He
opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey,
do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please�.

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing set.

A Blonde Walked into a bar!

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. ‘This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.’The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. ‘This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.The man sips the drink and says, ‘Now that’s more like it.’An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, ‘what do you think of this?’The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling ‘WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS,’ to which the old drunk replies, ‘That right, now guess how old I am.’

yo mamma so fat I laughed

Q: How does a man plan for the future?
A: He buys TWO cases of beer.

Three guys are sitting at the bar, when a stranger walked in and took a stool at the far end of the bar. The three guys were tranfixed on the stranger, who bear a striking resemblance to Jesus.For quite a while they were speculating if in fact it was the Son of God himself. Finally Joe stands up and said he would find out for sure and walked down to the end of the bar, but before he could even open his mouth, the stranger said, ” you have had constant pain in your lower back for many years, and so I say unto you “Be healed”. Instantly the pain left his body. He ran back to tell the others. Tom said that it was bullshit and went down to the end of the bar, but again before he could say anything, the stranger said, “since you were a child you have had an inferior left eye, Be heal and see the world the way God intended. Tom’s bad eye was seeing as well as the other. Both 20/20. He came back to inform the others. Mack just set there, “well I’m not going down there – come hell or high water. Just then the stranger started walking toward Mack. Finally he was less than ten feet away from him Mack yells out, “Stay away from me you son of a bitch…I’m on Disability.

whats the difference between buzz aldrin and michael jackson?

buzz aldrin walked on the moon, michaeljackson chains up little boys and fucks them up the arse until they bleed and scream ” ah-hoo-hoo ( michael jackson noise)”

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible”, says the bartender… “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says: “No, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

THIS BLIND MAN WALKS INTO A BAR AND FINDS HIS WAY TO A SEAT…..

HE SITS THERE AND ORDERS A DRINK…..

A LITTLE BIT AFTER THAT HE LOOKED IN THE BARTENDERS WAY AND SAID YOU WANT TO HEAR A BLONDE JOKE?…..

THE LADY NEXT TO HIM SAID IN A DEEP HUSKY VOICE SAID” MISTER THERE ARE 5 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BFORE YOU TELL THAT JOKE…..

1 THE BARTENDERS A BLONDE GIRL…..
2 THE BOUNCER IS A BLONDE GAL…..
3 I AM A 6fT TALL 200POUND BLONDE GIRL THAT HAS A BLACK BELT IN KAROTE…..
4 THE LADY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YOU IS A BLONDE AND IS A PROFESINOAL WIEGHT LIFTER…..
5 THE LADY BEHIND YOU IS A BLONDE AND IS A PROFESIONAL WRESTLER….”

” NOW MISTER ARE DO YOU STILL WANT TO TELL THAT JOKE “

THE BLIND MAN SIT THERE THAN SAID”NAH…..NOT IF IM GOING TO HAVE TO TELL IT 5 TIMES “

a man walked into a bar ouch