Category: animals

Q: How do cats buy things?
A: From a cat-alogue!

One day a boy was getting ready for school. He fell asleep in
his uniform and his pet cat pissed on him. He couldn’t change
his shirt because his mom told him to go. As he was walking to
school a squirrel jumped on him and left red stuff on his back.
Then in crawled in his pants and bit his nuts off.Then it ran
away with his nuts. Then he picked up a slug and it pooped on
him. Everyone found out he got raped by a squirrel. And it had a
period on him. And after school a dog pooped on his shoe.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs.
I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

A butcher in his shop, and he’s real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop.
He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over
to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it
reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in
his mouth, as well.” The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten
dollar bill there.

So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in
the dog’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing
time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is
walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down
the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth,
for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher
following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on
one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front,
looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog
goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The
butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through
the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he
gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes
the button to stop the bus.

Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are
walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path,
takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down
the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again.
There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on
a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks
back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens
the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and
swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. “What the hell are you
doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc’s sake!”, to which the
guy responds “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he’s
forgotten his key.”

15. Wakes up looking for a little hair o’ the human who bit him.

14. Won’t go near that darn chuck wagon, but when the bar cart rolls through, he’s off like a shot.

13. Lately, you’ve noticed that he’ll even hump a really UGLY leg.

12. No matter what you throw for him to fetch, always returns with a bottle of Cuervo and a lime.

11. Chases pink elephants around the yard instead of squirrels.

10. The only game she’ll play with you is “Quarters.”

9. Spends more time hugging the toilet bowl than actually slurping from it.

8. Sells house, moves to Vegas, shacks up with beautiful hooker.

7. Justifies quantities consumed by reasoning that they are in “dog beers.”

6. When he hikes his leg at the fireplug he keeps falling over backwards.

5. Won’t drink out of the toilet unless there’s an olive in it.

4. Just signed to do a remake of “Old Yeller” with Kelsey Grammer and Robert Downey, Jr.

3. After a few too many at the office party, tries to pick up the boss’s bitch.

2. “Ri *ruv* you, man!!”

1. He used to bark — now he just belches the chorus to “Louie, Louie.”

Their was this monkey in a tree smoking pot this lizard came by and said monkey what are you doing the monkey replied hey man im smoking a doobie so the lizard ask for a hit and he did after he was really thirsty so he went to the river to get a drink and fell head first in the river a crocadile saw him and swam over to the lizard the lizard told him about the monkey in the tree so the croc goes over to the monkey and says hey monkey what are you doing up their and the monkey replies DAMN how much water did you drink?

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The lady was furious!

She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn’t do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.” She paused and said, “Yes?” And the bird replied, “You know.”

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.

Why did the cross the road? Because a black man was coming at it with a skillet of hot grease.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, very angry now, says,”If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”

The bear says, “I’m not on drugs!?”

The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”

Once there was a cat and a dog who were married. Then one day the dog said I want some kitty fritters. The cat said I want some bones. The dog said have you been reading how to eat like a dog? The cat said have you been reading skinny bones cause you love rubber!

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take away taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed,
force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash down pill.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to order new table.