Bear Hunting

Bill’s all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting
in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he
kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder,
and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says “You’ve got 2 choices. One, I maul you to
death or Two, we have sex.” Bill bends over for the bear.

He’s sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill
heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear
and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A
huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says,
“That was a big mistake. You’ve got 2 choices, Either I maul you
to death or we have sex.” Bill bends over.

He survives, but he’s really hurting and takes quite a bit of
time to recover. He’s outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to
Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank
range. There’s a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an
enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, “You don’t really
come here for the hunting, do you?”

Dog’s New Years Resolution

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not steal Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will stop trying to find the last remaining piece of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will keep the humans off my water bowl!

Dog seat (rude)

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.The war weary soldier asked, ”Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, ”You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fife is using that seat?”The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another” trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.Again he asked, ”Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, ”You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, ”You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit (funny)

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!”” and rode off as fast as he could

Chickens And Books

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!” The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”