Category: animals

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this “King of the Jungle” and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he’s ever done in his life, screwing the “King of the Jungle” in the rear end.

The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can’t run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.

“RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!” he says. “Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. “Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?” he stutters.

The lion sits up with a start and says, “Jesus! It’s in the paper already?”

If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what
should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other
hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.

a chicken one day was waiting to cross the road .he lookt left and then right but could not move .the warden said why cant you cross the road ,he says its be cause i ahve chewing gum stuck to my feet hhh?

16> Eddie and the Schnauzers

15> The Lord of the Ringworm: The Return of King

14> Fetch (starring Chevy Chaser)

13> Gimme Sheltie

12> The Manchurian Kennel-Date

11> Rugspotting

10> Coyote Unhumpable

9> O Brother, Where Art Thy Testicles?

8> Fetchstick Men

7> Bite Club

6> MyTricks: Revolutions

5> Spay Misty for Me

4> A Leash of Their Own

3> Hounddog Day

2> Looking for Mr. Goodbutt

1> Carface

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Perpetual motion: A kitty playing.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come anyway.

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, “See that camel over there? I’ll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.

The other guy says “No way”.

The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel’s legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, “I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no.”

The second guy says, “You got me last time, but there’s no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no.”

The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, “Remember what I did last time?”. (Camel nods). “Want me to do it again?”

What is the worst weather for rats and mice??

When it is raining cats and dogs

Where did the squirrel hide his nuts?

In the bag under the log!

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet
you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”

Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”

Man: “What covers a house?”

Dog: “Roof!”

Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”

Dog: “Rough!”

Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”

Dog: “Ruth!”

Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out
the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and
says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”

Q what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A no idea
Q what do you call adeer with no eyes and no legs?
A still no idea
Q what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no genitalia?
A still no fucking idea