Category: animals

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, ‘Are there any gators around here?’ ‘Naw,’ the man hollered back, ‘they ain’t been around for years!’ Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, ‘How’d you get rid of the gators?’ ‘We didn’t do nothin’,’ the beachcomber said. ‘Really?’ said the tourist. The beachcomber added, ‘The sharks got ’em.’

Q: Why can a dog lick his balls and a man can’t ?

A: The dog might bite you.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Answer: ell-if-i-no (Hell if I know)

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, “Sir,
what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky
goes.”

“I’m sorry sir.”, said the ticket agent, “We don’t allow animals in the
theater.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He
returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next
to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his
pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge”, whispered Mildred.

“What”, said Marge.

“I think this guy next to me is a pervert.”, said Mildred.

“What makes you think that”, asked Marge.

“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out”, whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge, “At our age we’ve seen them all.”

“I thought so”, said Mildred, “But this one is eating my popcorn!”

Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to
the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, all right!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom
of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and
says, “I said stop it!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The
front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”

The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the
taste out of my mouth!”

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, “Blood is the lipstick of
all wounds.”
The bartender does not know how he said this, or why.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary.
They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson
Farm.”

The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. ”So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?””Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.””That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. ”So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?””Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.””That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher. ”That’s how they do it in Cornwall too.” And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. ”So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?””Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.””Over your shoulders?” replies the researcher. ”Don’t you put them over a wall like everyone else?””What?” says the farmer. ”And miss out on all the kissing?!”

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad
in the newspaper. The ad said, “I will give $10,000 to any
person that can make my elephant jump.”

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to
get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried,
but no one could get that elephant to jump.

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, “Are you the
guy with the ad?” The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked,
“Is that your elephant?” “Yes.” The rich man replies. Then the
guy went back to his car.

He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit
the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8
feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000.
The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off.

The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the
paper. The ad said, “I will give anyone $20,000 to make my
elephant turn his head from side to side.” The man had seen his
elephant’s head move up and down but never from side to side.

People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant
to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it.
When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up.

He walked up to the elephant and said, “Do you remember me?” The
elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, “Do
you want me to do it again?” The elephant then shook his head
from side to side frantically.

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: It stole the show!

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down
on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very
talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the
world.” He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling
him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $500 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play. A guy walks
up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So
the man pays his $500.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $500.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a
confused look. “Ha!” the Scot says. “Can you not play it?” The
octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to shag it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”