Category: animals

A ship wrecks somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and the lone survior is washed up on a desert island. After surveying his surroundings he determines that the only other signs of life are one pig and one dog.
The man learns to live off of the island. He has fresh water from a spring and fruits grow abundantly. However, as the months go on, his sexual urges become stronger and stronger. Finally, in complete sexual hysteria, he grabs the pig and has his way with it. For some reason, however, the dog jumps up and bites him in the ass.
Weeks go by, and every day the man screws the pig and the dog bites him in the ass. One day, a beautiful young woman washes up on the shore. The man performs CPR and brings her back to life. She is so happy she says, “Thank you so much! I will give you anything you want!”
“Anything?” the man says.
“Anything.” the woman replies.
“OK,” he says, “will you hold the dog?”

what reindeer laughed at rudolf?

olive………(say this out loud) ALL OF the other raindeer,
used to laugh and call him names……….

yah yah i kno its stupid, but ur kids will like it

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

what do you call a dog with no legs?
no need in calling him he cant come.

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“No laundry” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

The boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh, What was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle!”

What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him??? I didn’t do it on porpoise!!!

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”

The clerk tells him, ”No, we don’t have a market for it it so we don’t carry it.”

The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”

The clerk says, ”I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed, we’ve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ”Got any nails?”

”No,” comes the reply.

”Got any duck feed?”

In honor of National Pet Dental Health Month in February, a Kansas company has launched a 24-hour “Doggy Breath Hot line” that lets callers anonymously report the names and addresses of dogs with bad breath. The sponsor of the hot line, Hill’s Pet Nutrition, will then mail a packet of information on possible cures to the offending pooch. No word yet on a hot line to report lint balls with bad breath.

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion
about a new restaurant.

“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean!
The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt
anywhere–it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.”

“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”

Why does giriffs have a long neck instead of a short neck?
because if they have short necks,means that they will smell there stinky feet.if they have long neck then they can eat leaves instead of smelling there stinky feet.

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….