Category: animals

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?””Moses,” replied the bird.”Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that Would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus.”

Little Johnny walked into a grocery store and selected a large
box of laundry detergent and took it to the counter. The clerk
said, “You must have a large load of clothes to wash.” “Oh no,”
said Johnny, “I’m going to give my dog a bath.” “I don’t think
that is the right soap to use to bathe your dog,” said the
clerk. “It’ll do,” said Johnny, as he paid the clerk and walked
out.

A few days later Johnny goes back to the store to buy some
candy. “How’s your dog?” the clerk asked. “He died”, said
Johnny. “I told you that soap wasn’t right for your dog,”
replied the clerk. “The soap was fine,” said Johnny, “but I
think the spin cycle killed him.”

A man walks into a pool hall with a monkey on his shoulder. He approaches a table to play a game, and sits the monkey down on the table. The monkey reaches into one of the pockets pulls out a ball, sniffs it, and then swallows it. The man calmly pays the owner for the lost ball and leaves.

The same man returns a week later with the same monkey. This time he sits at the bar for a drink, and the monkey takes a peanut from a tray then inserts it into his ass, then removes it and eats it. The bartender notices this and asks the man about the odd behavior.

The man replies “Ever since he swallowed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it”.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling through the forest one day when he happens upon a Leprechaun, perched upon a toadstool. The Leprechaun looks down at the poor snail, crawling on his belly all his life, and takes pity on him.

“Snail,” he says. “I am going to grant you a wish. Whatever you want, you have only to ask.”

The snail can’t believe his luck! He thinks for a moment, and then excitedly exclaims, “Yes! I do have a wish! I want a brand new, shiny red Corvette Stingray!”

The Leprechaun at first thinks that this is pretty strange, but then, considering that he is talking to a snail, perhaps not.

“And” continues the snail. “I want a bright, golden “S” painted on the doors, the hood and the trunk of my corvette.”

“You shall have your wish,” responds the Leprechaun.

With the wave of his hand, the snail’s wish is granted. And now, whenever the snail roars through the forest in his shiny new corvette, with the big “S” on the side, all the other animals of the forrest say….

“Wow! Look at that crazy “S” car go!!!!”

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.
He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree
and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The
trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when
the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself,
you slap on the handcuffs.”
“Got it,” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the
Chihuahua.”

Q: Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

“Yes,” the pet store owner said, “this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.”

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

“That’s to be expected,” said the pet shop owner. “Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.” Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot’s owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

“I see,” said the pet shop owner. “Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.” A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrot’s owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot’s owner was there waiting as the store opened. “Still no luck?” asked the store owner.

“No. Nothing said yet,” answered the bird’s owner. “Well, I bet the bird’s just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.” “What? You want me to buy another bird!?!” yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

“No, no, calm down,” reassured the store owner. “All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.”

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! “What happened?” asked the store owner, “Didn’t the bird ever talk?”

“Yes, right before it died it said: What’s the matter? Don’t they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?”

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his
dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my
eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out
of five.”

What does a fish use to get high?
Seaweed!

one day a man walked into a bar, and there was a donkey standing in the corner with a notice round his neck saying ” anyone who can make this donkey laugh can have a free pint”. so the man thought i will have a go at it. so he went over to the donkey and wispered something to him, and the donkey stared laughing. the barman was amazed and told the man he was the first person to do it.

the man came back the following week and the donkey was still there but this time the sign said “if you can make this donkey cry you can have a free pint”. so the man thought i will have a go at this and so he went over to the donkey and did something to it, and the donkey started to cry. the barman asked the man how he did it because he was the first man to do any of them. so the man said ” ok i will tell you, the first time i said to him i had a bigger dick than him and the second time i showed him it.

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again.

My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We have a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage!”