Category: animals

There were three birds – a mama bird, a papa bird and a baby bird.One day they were trying to figure out which way to fly for the winter.Mama bird says “My instincts tell me to fly south for the winter.”Papa bird says “Well, my instincts tell me to fly north for the winter.”Then baby bird says “Well, my ins stinks too, but they don’t tell me where to go!” ~*princess*~

Q. What’s the difference between a woman with pms and a rottweiler?
A. Lipstick.

If my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave its butt and tell it to walk
backwards!

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick- fucks funny

A family enter alarge departmental store in a predigious area of London.After browsing the store for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.It is then that they notice a seal standing in acorner situated near the counter. He appeared to be dressed in a period english gentlemans outfit and nodded frequently when customers goods were packaged.The afore mentioned family then placed their purchases on the counter and each time goods were packaged the seal nodded as if in agreement.Afterthe third purchase was made the head of the family asked the counter assistant why the seal nodded each time a purchase was made. Oh,I,m surprised you asked me that because he is obviously our seal of approval

Famous interpretations of “Why did the Chicken cross the road?”

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we’ll find out.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what “they” call it: the “other side”. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you’re telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it’s true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

There once was a chicken that was part human. His name was Flicken!he lived on a farm on a planit called Marco.
This planat that Flicken The Chicken lived on was chasing after there moon called Polo! Pola left the orbit of Marco because they did not like it that Marco was controling them.
One day Flicken was hanging around his house eating his breakfast. And out of no where can crashing down was nun other then the moon Polo!!! Flicken ran very fast and right behind Polo crashed and just missed him!!!!!!
That was the whole story!!!

THE END!!

Why did the chicken go to the trans-channel medium?

To get to the “other side”

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan ……

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick
minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece
of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
“beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how
to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful
tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said, “My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can’t get them apart.”

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said “Yes, but it didn’t work.”

He said, “Did you try hitting them with a broom.”
She said, “Yes, but that didn’t work either.”

He then said, “Well Ma’am here’s what you do. Hang up. I’ll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.”

She said, “Do you really think that will work?”
He said, “Well it just did for me!”

What is the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your
windshield?

It’s ass.

Question: Why did the hamster cross the road?

Answer: Because it was stuck in the Chicken’s ass!