Category: animals

Q: How do you make a dog meow?

A: Put it in the freezer and then run it through the bandsaw “mmmmmrrrrrrreeeeeeeooooooowwwwwww”

Q: how do you make a cat sound like a dog?

A: douse it with gasoline and put a lit match to it and “wooof”

A Contest is held for making a donkey laugh.

One man goes at it, nothing comes out, the donkey just stares at him.

Another man goes in, same effect.

After hundreds of people failing, one man goes in and the donkey is on the floor laughing his ass off.

“How do you do it?” the crowd asks?
“its a secret answered the man”

Another day theres a similar contest but this time to make a donkey cry.

After everybody failed on succeeding again, the same man went in and in minutes the donkey is crying, “how did you do it?” impatiently asks the crowd.

“well”, says the man “the first time i told the donkey that my balls were bigger than his, he laughed…the second time i prooved it!”

A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it
in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector
walks up.

14> Your parakeet’s been whistling Pink Floyd and staring at the ceiling lately. 13> Mittens lets out a mellow-yet-plaintive mew when you channel-surf past SpongeBob. 12> There’s a trail of water and aquarium gravel leading from the fish bowl to the refrigerator. 11> Rover’s constantly burying clean poodle urine samples in the back yard. 10> You thought he was purring like a normal cat until you discovered his pager was vibrating non-stop. 9> Your Dave Matthews CDs and Hacky Sacks keep turning up in the Habitrail. 8> The hamster wheel is suddenly providing electricity for the entire block. 7> Every time the doorbell rings, she starts flushing her dog toys down the toilet. 6> Local street punks have started smoking your cat’s hairballs. 5> Polly wanna cracker, man… and a big bag of Doritos, a box of Fruity Pebbles and a microwave burrito. Oh! And a jelly donut! 4> When you ask him Who’s a good boy? he sits and ponders the answer for an hour. 3> Whoa… have you ever, like, looked at your paw? I mean, really LOOKED at your paw?!? 2> He’s so freaked out by the bubbling treasure chest that he hasn’t been out of his castle in six days. 1> Rusty’s not only stopped chasing his tail, now he’s accusing it of following him home. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn’t thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it. Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by. From behind the paper, the gorilla said, ‘You mean the one that screwed the lion?’ The lion shook his head and shouted, ‘Oh no! It’s already in the papers!’

Q: A man rides in on Friday, stays two nights three days and then leaves on
Friday.
How is that possible?

A: His horse was named Friday.

what kind of doctor treats ducks?
a quack

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed!” she harkened. “The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.” “You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

“Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?”

Pause. “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.” No logical assurance about how a disposal can’t start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from “Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia,” a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I’d have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (“Buttons” aka “the Grater”) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

If they had only known.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
“There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, “he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.”

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
“That was fantastic,” he panted.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette!”

What did the apple say to the worm?
You’re boring me.

A: To invent the other side.