Category: animals

A: Too many cheetahs.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.

By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: “Don’t worry, I am going to save you”.

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru’ the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts “Don’t worry chicken I will save you”.

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: “If you have a big dick you don’t need a red Porsche to pull a chick.”

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon
a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following
symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a
fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find
and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped
out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient
symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to
discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing
and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was
family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell
they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.”

“The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them.”

“Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means
that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they
would take to the sea for food.”

“The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: “Holy
Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!”

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and
toughness.

The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat
poison!”

The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap
and I bit it apart!”

Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the
cat.”

A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.”The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??”Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” Feathers come flying out of the cage.The vet says, “Holy gee,” and runs across the room and opens the curtain.The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he’s pulling out all her feathers. He’s saying, “For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!”

There was this new preacher in town. Well Farmer Brown came by to talk. In the conversation farmer Brown asked, “Is it true you have a holey cow?”
And the preacher replied,”Why, yes it is.”
“Is it all right if i see this Holey Cow?”
“Yes”
so they walked out to the barn and there stood a cow full of holes.

One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and
got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning
to starve. He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish
and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat
it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him,
so he picked up a stone to toss at it–hoping the bird would be
frightened and fly away WITHOUT the fish. But, weak as he was,
his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head and
killed it! “Well,” he thought to himself, “no sense letting it
go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could
save my life if I eat it.” So, he built himself a little
fire–using a couple of stones–and cooked the eagle to eat.
While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he
saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him–because as
you know, that is quite illegal! The man told the ranger what
had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the
situation to a judge.

So, the day of his trial he told the judge, “Please Your Honor,
it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I
didn’t mean to harm the bird–I only wanted the fish! And when I
accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn’t see
any reason to let it go to waste!”

The judge listened to the man’s story and deemed him, “Not
guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances.”

The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his
fairness. Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man,
“Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like
anyway??”

The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, “Well,
it’s kind of hard to explain… but, I would say somewhere
between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

what dont monkeys like doing?

answer
hanging around!

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesn’t matter, he won’t come!

13> Cynthia shivered with delight as her lover finally spoke those four words she had waited a lifetime to hear: “Who’s a pretty bird?”

12> With her passion sated, her breath returning and her love satisfied as it had never been before, there was nothing left for the black widow to do but to bite off and devour her lover’s head and go lay her eggs.

11> “Oink!” she snorted. It was just the word he needed to hear.

10> Elsie slowed deliberately, giving the grazing young bulls a languorous view of her asset — full, pink and pendulous. Her tail coyly swished, affording peek-a-boo glances irresistible to the randy nose-ringed, teats-and-grass trio. Oh, yes, there would be mounting tonight.

9> The leg bounced seductively, up and down, up and down — until Mr. Bojangles could no longer contain his passion.

8> Ed was a stud and he knew it. He liked to sow his oats and nothing could harness him. Sex was his mane concern and he loved to stirrup romance. When he was going at it, he would pace himself. He didn’t stall. He knew his bit. Yes, Ed was a stud.

7> Every antenna went up when she entered the burrow. She was one millipede with legs that wouldn’t quit.

6> Heartbroken at Rex’s departure, Fifi threw herself to the ground next to their special tree. Suddenly, she smelled the most beautiful love letter she’d ever received. “Be of good cheer, my love,” said Rex’s urine. “I shall return.”

5> He was dashing and confident, with the strut of a lemming who was going places. She couldn’t help but follow.

4> The collie was torn between duty and pleasure. The look in the German shepherd’s eyes told her he would not tolerate another child-down-the-well interruption.

3> Their licking and stroking intensified, stoking a passion matched only by the outback desert heat, until Junior’s ill-timed emergence from his pouch quickly and awkwardly dampened their raging libidos.

2> “Was it good for you?” asked Smokey, casually stamping out his cigarette on the forest floor.

1> He spent what seemed to be hours gently caressing her with his antennae and playfully pinching her with his claws. For a king crab, he was a very unshellfish lover.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?””No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”