Category: animals

When I was a kid, I had a pet opossum. He never played dead.
That pissed me off so I had to kill him.

Strutting around on Easter morning, a rooster spied a basket full of brightly coloured eggs. He shook his head – thought a while – then made a beeline across the barnyard and kicked the shit out of the peacock…

As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant:
First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an
elephant.
Fill the hole with ashes.
Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

once there was a zoo and it’s main attraction was a gorilla. the gorilla would wave at the passerbys and swing on a rope that hung from a tree branch into his cage. but one day the gorilla died of old age. the zoo didn’t know what to do, so they put an ad in the newspaper.an out of work artist saw the ad. the job would earn him just enough money to pay his rent. so he accepted the job and started work.the first few days he just waved a little. he was growing accustomed to the itch of the gorilla suit, and so he began to do tricks. he swung on the rope hanging into his cage, higher and higher and higher and the rope snapped and he landed in the lions cage!he was very nervous and the lion glared at him. then the lion growled and the man started shouting “help me! HELP ME! HELP ME! PLEASE!” the lion pounced on him and said, “shut up! you’re gonna get us all fired!”

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters.

So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway.

So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals.

So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said,”Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!” But the rooster just kept on screwing.

One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around.

So he walked up to the rooster and said,”I told you you’d screw yourself to death!” then the rooster opened his eyes and said, – “SHUT-UP! I’m trying to get them to land!”

This farmer has about 200 hens but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it , and buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. Wham! He nails every hen in there three or four times, and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the henhouse and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, Wham! He gets all the geese. Randy’s now up in the pigpen, then he does it with the cows.

Randy jumps every animal the farmer owns….Wham..Wham…Bang..Bang. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed, and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down — now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky, and says, “Shhh, old man…. they’re getting closer…..”

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said “Paddy, me ol’ mate,
how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?”

Paddy says, “Well Paddy, I’ll cut one a ta’ ears off my fookin pig, and
ten we can tell ’em apart.” “Ah tat’d be grand.” Says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house.

“Paddy” he said “Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?”

“Well Paddy” said Paddy “I’ll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten
we’ll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear”

“Ah tat’d be grand.” says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house.

“Paddy” he said “Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?”

“Ah tis is serious, Paddy.” Said Paddy “I’ll tell ya what I’ll do I’ll cut
ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we’ll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail.”

“Ah tat’d be grand.” Says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into
the house once more.

“PADDY” shouted Paddy “YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO
FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL ‘EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ah fook it.” Says Paddy “How’s about you have the black one, and I’ll
have the white one?”

This man is in church and hears his preacher telling about these 2 male birds he has that will hold the rosary beads and say prayers, so this man comes up to him after church and says”father I also have 2 female birds, but all they can say is “Hi where hookers wanna have some fun” .the preacher told the man to bring the 2 female birds over that night and they will place them in with the 2 male birds and try to teach the 2 female birds to pray, so that night he took the birds to the preachers house and sure enough the 2 male birds where in there cage holding the rosary beads and saying prayers, when they placed the 2 female birds in the cage they looked at the 2 male birds and went”hi where hookers wanna have some fun” ..the one male bird looks at the other male bird and said”lay the beads down Frank our prayers have been answered”

Q: How do you fix a broken chimp?
A: With a monkey wrench!

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam!!!

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It’s a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me, “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the hamster!” “Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.” “What?” My son demanded.

“But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce!” I accused my wife. “Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!” She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). “Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” My son agreed. “Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“OH, Gross!” They shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?” My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified. “Do something, Dad!” My son urged. “Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” My eldest daughter wanted to know,” Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. “What do you think, Doc, a c-section?” I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” My wife asked. “Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us.

“This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.”

“What?”

“You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just … just … excited?”! My wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

“It’s just … that … I’m picturing you pulling on its … its teeny little …” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.