Category: animals

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, “What’s that?”

“That’s the elephant’s tail,” she replies.

“No, under the tail,” says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, “Oh, nothing.”

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, “That’s the elephant’s penis, son.”

“So, why did mum say it was nothing?” asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesn’t matter, he won’t come!

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When
he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.
The brother hesitated, then said, ”I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the
cat died.

A penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called AAA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. The penguin wasn’t in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around. Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.

The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over, wiping his hands on a rag and shaking his head, and said “It looks like you blew a seal.”

Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, “Oh, no! It’s just ice cream!”

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password:10) E-Mail flames from some guy named ‘Fluffy.’ 9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8) You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it…and a strange aroma of tuna. 5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of ‘CyberDog.’ 4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3) You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2) On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser. 1) There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Two penguins were in the shower and one dropes the soap and he asks the other one,”Hey can you get that?” and the other one says,”What do I look like… A TOASTER?”

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, “Why are you here?”

The Schnauzer responds, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Schnauzer asks the poodle, “Why are you here?”

The Poodle responds, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, “My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn’t help myself. ”

The Poodle asks, “So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?”

The Great Dane says, “No, I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.”

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

”No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ”Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ”I found them in the hallway.”

”Now,” she said, ”ifonly I could find my parakeet. ”

Spider , spider on the wall you think your smart you know fuck all,your on a wall thats just been plasterd , now your stuck you stupid bastard.

How do you fit an elephant into a safeway bag?
Take the F out of way in safeway, but wait, there is no f in way
There is no f in way that you will fit an elephant into a safeway bag.