What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milkdud!
Category: animals
Taxidermist
My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new
business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was:
“No Matter What Happens – You Get Your Cat Back!”
A man takes his wife to the local livestock…
A man takes his wife to the local livestock show and they begin to walk
down the line of prize bulls. The sign above the first bull says, “This bull mated 52 times last year.” The wife turns to the husband and says, “Gee, 52 times a year, that’s once a week – you could learn something from this bull.”
They proceed to the next bull and the sign above him says, “This bull
mated 125 times last year.” The wife turns to the husband and says, “Wow, 125 times a year – you could definitely learn something from this bull.”
When they arrive at the next bull, the sign above him says, “This bull
mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and she says,
“Oh my gosh – that’s ONCE A DAY – you could REALLY learn something from THIS bull!!!”
The husband then turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times last year with the SAME cow.”
The Rich Lady and her Butler
A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date.
When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra, which he does. She then asks him to remove her panties and he this this also.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.
Q. What’s a pet on the floor called?…
Q. What’s a pet on the floor called?
A. A carpet!
Seeing Eye Dogs
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy
with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get
something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go
in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman
Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.” The
guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman
Pinscher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very
good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the
door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the
Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the
Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
Investigating a terrible accident
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident
except a monkey, which was on board, and there were no witnesses. The police try
to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate
the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing
that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?”
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around;
meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?�
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh?” The chief continues, “Okay,
were they doing anything else?”
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were
talking.
The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great
time, which was driving the stupid bus then?”
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Snaksssssssssssssoowww
A snake asked a fellow snake one day: Hey ssssssssteven! Do ou thinksssss we issssss poinessssssss???? Why do yousss asssssk ssssssssssssven??????/ Cousssssss i jussst bit mysss toung!!!!!
Shark Attack
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Dog drink
how do you make a dog drink?
put it in a blender
Elephant in a chair
What time is it when an elephant sits in your chair?
Time to get a new chair.
Three Bears
Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said “You’ve got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex.” Jon decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.
The brown bear said, “That was a huge mistake, Jon. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we’ll have rough sex.” Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly bear said “Admit it, Jon, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”