Category: animals

Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?
If they squirted it through their tails, it’d be very difficult to aim.

you so poor i came in your house and ask to use the bath room and you siad, the second bucket to the right!

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten
o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock;
no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was
out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the
door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come
and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot
said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!”

He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and
again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!!!!!!!!”

Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot
said, “Who is it?”; “Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!” he said, flying into a rage; he
pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and
he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its
hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, “A dead body!” she exclaimed, “Who is
it?!”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

Q: Why do hippoes only mate under water.

A: Have you ever tried keeping a 5 houndred pond pussy wet.

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun…

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” pointing at Indian.
Dog: “Yep”
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: shows look of disbelief

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? “pointing at Indian.
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep Lie!”

Classic Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food
or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others are cold and starving.

CBS, PBS, CNN, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table
filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country
of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries
when they sing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the
news stations film the group singing “We shall overcome”. Jesse then has the
group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten
rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the
ant to make him pay his “fair share.”

Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act”,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal
judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The
ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the
ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the
ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now
abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse, a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When

her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith!”

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.

True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU.

Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

Donkeys are called jack-ass

Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers

What sounds does a dog make??

WOOF! WOOF!

Whats a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur? A lickdicknopuss !