Category: animals

Elephant took toilet paper to a party…
Why?
Coz he was a party pooper

Why cant you ever hear bunnies humping??

Becuz they have Cotton Balls

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her
ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…
stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”

The other cow replies, “Hell, I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks!”

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won’t feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

You can always tell a cat,

Why don’t chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces!

A man has a new job as a zookeeper. The head zookeeper tells him that if an animal dies round here then you will have to pay for them.
His first stop is a bird house and he finds 200 finches dead. The zookeeper looks on the chart on the cage which reads $1 a bird. The zookeeper cant afford that so he throws all the dead finches into the lions cage for the lion to eat.
His next stop is the ape house and he finds 10 chimps dead. He looks on the chart on the cage which reads $10 per chimp. He cant afford so much money so he throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.
His final stop is the bee hives. He finds 1000 bees dead. He looks on the chart and it reads a dime per bee. Knowing he cant afford such money, he mashes all the bees into a ball and throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.
The next day a new lion comes into the cage.
”whats the food like” He asks
”Its not bad” Says the lion ”Yesterday we had finch, chimps and mushy bees!”

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
I’ve trapped her legs, she’s tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and “I want food!”
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human’s chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth-
And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning here
and it’s time to play
always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:
“You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.

” What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: “well, can i talk to my horse o’ great chief?
“The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says “he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse”.

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it’s ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, “Chief, can i talk to my horse again”? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it’s ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!… 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says “Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse..”

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells

“LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,…I SAID – GO GET A POSSE!!!”

There was an eagle who hadn’t had any in a while. One day he was flying around and really horny and he found a dove. He captured the dove, took it behind the bushes, and had his way with it. A few minutes later the dove came out and said ” I’m a dove and I’m in love.”

A little while later the eagle was flying around again and again he was horny. He found a goose flying around, so he captured the goose, took it behind the bushes, had his way with it. A couple of minutes later the goose came out and said “I’m a goose and I’m loose.”

Well after all this most eagles are ready for a nap, but not this eagle. He was up flying around again and found a duck. He captured the duck, took it behind the bushes, and had its way with it.

A second later the duck came out and said “I’m a drake and there’s been a big mistake!!!”

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately!

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?”

His mother replies, “That son, is the elephant’s trunk.”
“No, at the other end.”
“That son is the tail.”
“No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.”
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, “Thats nothing.”

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”

“That’s the trunk, son” replies the father.
“No at the other end.”
“Oh, that is the tail.”
“No, no daddy, the thing below,” asks the son in desperation.
“That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?”
“Well mummy said it was nothing,” says the boy.
Replies the father: “I tell you, I spoil that woman …”