Category: animals

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat
STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: “What the heck
are you doing down there?”

And the fellow shouts back: “Yoga!”

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer-by, who had seen everything remarked, “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”

“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts.”

What did the camel say to the giraffe

One day a polar bear walks into a bar. The bar tender asks him,
“What would you like today sir?”
After 30 seconds or so the polar bear answers
” A beer please”
The bar tender replies,
“Why the big paws/pause?”
(GET IT??? PAWS AND PAUSE!!)

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around
said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our
oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
“Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.
On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen
tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped
out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I
tell you, I just shit in my pants.” The young men looked astonished and
one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me.” The old man shook his head and said, “No, no, not
then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?””Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?””Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…””What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?””Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”

What do you get when you put the cat in the blender…???

Pussy whipped…

Q. What do you call a bull that is playing with himself?
A. Beef strokenoff.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Q: Why is a dog longer in the morning than in the evening?
A: Because it is let out in the morning and taken in at night.

What do dogs and women have in common?
They both like 12-inch bones.