Category: animals

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla
in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a
serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of
handcuffs and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner. “I’m going to
climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he
falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right
for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively
crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the
handcuffs.”

“Got it”, the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla”, the man said,
“shoot the Chihuahua.”

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla
on his roof, and he can’t figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van
pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a
gun. He hands the man the gun.

”Okay, here’s what we do. I’m going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the
gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this
little dog will bite him in the balls until he’s incapacitated.”

”Great,” says the man. ”But what’s the gun for?”

”In case I fall down instead of the gorilla � shoot the dog.”

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I’m a big girl I won’t cry,
I’m just glad that cows don’t fly.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, “Look buddy, we can’t have any dogs sitting up at the bar.”

The owner retorts, “But this is no ordinary dog.” The bartendar doesn’t budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, “Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.”

The bartendar says, “Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why don’t you and your talking dog leave the bar?”

The owner says, “Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.”

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, “Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?”
The dog says, “No problem”, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, “Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?”
To which the dog replies, “Because I have never had $20 before.”

Q:What do you call a cow in a tree?
A:Stuck!

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says “Put this on your bill sir” to which the duck replies “what do you think I’M a dickhead!”

Q-Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree? A-because it was dead! Q-Why did the Fridge fall out of the tree? A-because it was attached to the Monkey! Q-What do you do if a Monkey falls out of a tree? A-watch out for the Fridge!!!!!

A male and female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they
noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Let’s
both swim under the ship and blowout of our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink”. They tried it and sure enough the
ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors
had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
“Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this
point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“Look”, she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
swallow the seamen”.

NOTE: The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So…. 360
gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why
the ocean is so salty……

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Part of a the CIA’s specially trained elite team of fowl, this stealthy
chicken is on a perilous misson.

His object? No less than to uncover the secret documents of the infamous
Polish scientist, Dr. Poppycockski.

Dr. Poppycockski, code name: Cock, has outlandish, yet devilsihly clever plans
for total world domination, which begin with the great nation of Haiti.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”

The rabbit says, “No, of course not!”

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck”

“I see you’re eyes are working” replies the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the landlord.

“I see you’re ears are working” says the duck, “now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly,” says the landlord, ” sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!”

“Sounds marvellous” says the ringleader, “get him to give me a call.”

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, “Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!”

“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus” says the landlord.

“The circus?” the duck enquires.

“That’s right” replies the landlord.

“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle

“That’s right!” says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. “What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?”

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat
STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: “What the heck
are you doing down there?”

And the fellow shouts back: “Yoga!”