Category: animals

Humans:Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying: a) Welcome home b) The phone rang twice while you were out c) Feed me, NOWYour cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying: a) Please don’t leave me here all alone b) Good-bye c) But what if I get hungry while you out?Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this: a) An unsuppressed primal instinct b) A sign of affection c) A demand to be fed nowYour cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying: a) Lemme out – I need to use the garden b) Wanna go out and play c) Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?Cats:Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean: a) It’s hungry b) It’s lost c) You’re hungryYour human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this: a) supper b) something to keep you going till supper’s ready c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human’s got.Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean: a) You’re in trouble – better not do it again b) Nothing – humans do this from time to time c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.Staircases are for: a) Getting up to the human’s bedroom at 4am b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it. d) all of the above

what did the baby chicken say when a hen laid an orange?

look at the orange marmalade.

a pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

�i would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,� sighed the
pheasant, �but i haven’t got the energy.�

�well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?� replied the bull.
�they’re packed with nutrients.�

the pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. and so on.

finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

the moral of the story: bulls*** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep
you there.

Imagine a farm. On the farm there live a chick and a horse. One day the horse gets stuck in a swamp at the bottom of a field so it says:

“Help Chick pull me out!”

The chick obliges and gets it’s Harley Davidson to help pull horse out and all is well.

Two weeks later chick gets stuck in the same swamp and shouts for horse to help.

Horse comes to the rescue and straddles the swamp saying “Grab on!”. Sure enough he pulls chick safely out of the swamp.

And the moral of the story is:

If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a bike to pull chicks!

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan .

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to
meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about
you.”

The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or
what?”

“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

There were 3 dogs in a cage at a dog pound and they were discussing why
they were in there. One dog said that he was being put to sleep beacause
he drank out of the toilet. Another dog was being put to sleep beacause he
tore up the newspaper. The third dog said he was in there because his
owner dropped her towel and went to pick it up and he couldn’t resist and
started humping her. The other dogs said that they understood why he was
being put to sleep. But the dog said, “I’m not being put to sleep, I’m
getting my nails trimmed!”

What animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah!

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
on the outside?
A. K9P.

Early one morning a stranger pulled up to the gas station in his convertible, and on the back seat were standing three penguins.The cashier saw the peguins in the car, and when the man came in to pay she asked him what he was doing with the three penguins.”I don’t know what to do with them,” said the man. “I’ve just been driving around with them in the back seat all week.””Why don’t you take them to the zoo?” said the cashier.”Why, that’s a great idea! I’ll take them there right away!A few days later, the same man pulls up in his convertible, and he still has those three penguins standing on his back seat!”I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo,” said the cashier.”Oh, I did, and we had a great time. Today, we’re going to the beach!”

Q: Why doesn’t Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck

successfully.

After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion…..

Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home!!