Category: animals

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant’s backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

“What the %$*& is so funny?” asked one of the scientist.

“You should have seen the monkey’s face trying to get the cork back in!!!”

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Paint his balls red!

Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A girafe eating cherrys.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”. The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”. The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”

A: To bankrupt the other side.

Jake Styles had just bought a farmhouse in the country, barn and all. “Great!” he thought “now I can get that horse I have always wanted!” So he goes down the road to Farmer Ben’s house, and tells him he wants to buy a horse.

“Well, I only have one mare right now, and she’s kind of flighty.”

“I don’t care!” Jake says “I think she’s beautiful!”

So Jake buys the horse, brings her home and sets her up in a newly cleaned stall. The next morning, Jake wakes to find that she has broken out and run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her and leads her home. Thinking maybe she didn’t like her stall, he cleans out a different one (the barn had four) and leads her in, this time making sure to bolt the door.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that the mare has broken out and run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her, and brings her home, again trying a different stall (the barn had four).

The next morning Jake wakes to find that the mare had again broken out and run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her and brings her home, this time tying her to the last stall (the barn had four).

When he woke the next morning, the mare had chewed the rope, broken out and run off. He called Farmer Ben, furious at the horses behavior. “I don’t understand it! I keep her stall clean, locked, full of food, nothing I do keeps her from running off!”

“I tried to tell you,” Farmer Ben said … “She just can’t seem to form a stable relationship!”

Mad Cow Disease

One day two cows were chatting over the fence separating their two fields. The first cow said, “I’m telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I’ve heard it’s spreading so fast that it’s already on Farmer Rubin’s land just down the road!”

The second cow replied, “So what? It doesn’t affect us chickens!”

Polish dog gets stuck in a trap and chews of 3 of his legs, and is still in the trap.

Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?

A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don’t cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There’s no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It’s better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who’s the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

If the Rebinbauker Chicken had a finger she would give us the Bird.