Category: animals

what do you call a donkey with no legs
an:WONKEY!

why do bees hum?? because they dont know the words! lol!

a bear is chasing a rabbit and they stumble upon a magic lamp. a genie appeared put of noware and said “for releasing me you both get 3 wishes.” he turned to the bear and said what is your 1st wish. the bear said “i wish all of the bears in this park are girls except me.” the genie said “your wish has been granted.” he turns to the rabbit and says “what is your first wish” the rabbit says “i wish that i had a motercycle.” the genie said “your wish has been granted.” the genie turned to the bear and said “what is your second wish.” the bear said “i wish all the bears in the country were girls exept me.” the genie said your wish has been granted.” he turned to the rabbit and said” what is your second wish.” the rabbit said” i wish that i had a helmet to go with my mortercycle.” the genie said “your wish has been granted” he turned to the bear and said “what is your third wish” the bear answerd ” i wish that all of the bears in the world were girls exept me” the genie said “your wish has been granted.” he turned to the rabbit and said “what is your third wish” the rabbit got on his motercycle and put his helmet on and turned to the genie and said ” i wish that the bear was gay” and took of.

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he’d never left it on its own.
But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his
next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed
his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock. But he was never
ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it
for a while thinking,

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'”

“That’s terrible!”, the priest exclaimed, “Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, “Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?”

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, “PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!”

Why did the the turkey croos the road??

cause the the chicken was on vacation.

Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A: I’ll never do that for two bucks again.

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were,
to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was
constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried
everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder
and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking
and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was
quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and
said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to
correct my behavior.” David was astounded at the bird’s change
of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when
the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

The Horses are at the gate:1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Dick 9. Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry And away they go:Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk anties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs, Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.In the back stretch:It’s Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.Around the final turn:Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.At The Finish:It’s Big Dick giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final sprint and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had a chance.The winner, Big Dick by a head.

When I was a young spry turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;

“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,

“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;

“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;

“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing”.

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming …”

“Outside a dog, a book is a great companion.
Inside a dog, it’s pretty dark!”