Category: animals

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

“Mine” says the man. “My dog has just killed him”, she says.

“What breed is your dog?” he asks. “A Chiuahua”, she says.

“How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?”

“He got caught in his throat!!!”

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, “What do you want for your birthday?” Smitty says, “I want to get laid.”

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There’s Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

“Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?”

Smitty says, “For a hundred bucks I want her nude!”

Q. What goes peck, peck, peck, and boom?
A. A chicken in a mine field.

A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be called baygulls!
(baygull-bagel. ha ha ha.)

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service
center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print
head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy
cat that liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, “Cat caught in machine, come
quick!”

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending his or her
various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that
while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual
fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got
sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who
came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere
near the machine.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other was called Christian. Life was good, except that the prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks. Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, “I’m tired of being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have to worry about being eaten.”
Just then a mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted,” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian swam off, afraid of being eaten up by his old friend.

Time went by and Justin found himself bored and lonely as a shark. All his old pals were afraid of him and swam away whenever he came near. Then one day he was out swimming and saw the mysterious cod.

“I want to be a prawn again,” said Justin. “Please change me back!” And lo and behold, the cod changed him back to a prawn. With tears of joy in his little eyes, Justin swam to Christian’s house and knocked on the door. “It’s me, Justin, your old friend! Come out and see me!” he shouted.

“No,” said Christian. “I’ll not be tricked. You’re a shark and you will eat me!”

Justin cried back, “No, I’m not! That was the old me. I’ve changed. I’ve found Cod, I’m a prawn again, Christian!”

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, “Gimme a chap stick.”

The pharmacist asks the duck, “Will that be cash or charge?”
The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, “Give me a box of condoms.”

The clerk says, “Do you want me to also put them on your bill?”
The duck says, “Hell no, I’m not that kind of duck!”

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on”

“Ok, got it.” the homeowner replied. “But whats that shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”