Category: animals

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

Whats Red n Green n goes 100 miles an hour?????

A FROG IN A BLENDER

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, “Get out of here with that dog!” The guy says, “But this isn’t just any dog… this dog can play the piano!” The bartender replies, “Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay… and have a drink on the house!” So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart… and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, “What was that all about?” The guy replies, “Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.”

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan .

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

I have a cat called Minton. When he eats a shuttlecock I say bad-minton.

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Nebraska for $200.

They bought the cow from Nebraska and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a fine bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They explained to the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. And if he approaches from the side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Nebraska?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Nebraska?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Nebraska.”

a male bear an a male rabbit r walkin through the junglewen they come across a frog the frog says ill give u both three wishes the bear says i wish all the bears in this area were female bears the rabbit says i wish for a helmet*poof*the rabbit gets the helmet so the bear is convinced the bear says i wish that all bears in scotland were female bears the rabbit says i wish for a motor bike the bear is convinced wen the rabbit gets the helmet the bear then says i wish that all the bears in the world were female bears the rabbit is driving off wen he shoutes bak I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. “Are you okay, sir?” asked the stewardess “Yes, I’m fine,” said the man. Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. “Are you sure you’re alright sir?” “Yes,” said the man, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.” “What’s wrong?” asked the stewardess. “Is he not housebroken?” “No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

20> Deep Trout

19> Free Your Willy

18> A Few Good Minnow

17> Debbie Does Dolphins

16> Blow Holes

15> Porca

14> The Devil Ray in Miss Jones

13> Ocean’s Sixty-Nine

12> Beyond the Green Dorsal

11> Spawn Wars, Episode VI: Return of the Salmon

10> The Unboinkable Brown Molly

9> Charlie’s Angelfish

8> Oh, Cod!

7> In the Heat of the Pike

6> 2 Bass 2 Curious

5> The Incredible, Viagra-Packin’ Mr. Not-So-Limpet

4> Goldfishmember

3> Grinding Nemo

2> A Fish Balled Wanda

1> Bang the Chum Slowly

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

“Mine” says the man. “My dog has just killed him”, she says.

“What breed is your dog?” he asks. “A Chiuahua”, she says.

“How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?”

“He got caught in his throat!!!”