Category: animals

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!

What did the mosquito say when he saw a camel’s hump?

Gee, did I do that.?

I HEARD HIM TRYING TO BREAK IN.

I RAN TO THE CABINET, GRABBED MY AUTOMATIC, SLAMMED THE CLIP IN, AND CHAMBERED A ROUND. I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL TO THE BACK DOOR.

I GRABBED A FLASHLIGHT ON THE WAY.

I OPENED THE DOOR AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD.

I TIPTOED TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE WHERE I HEARD HIM STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.

I TURNED THE CORNER AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE.

I YELLED “HANDS UP!!!”

AS HE TURNED TO FACE ME……………..

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Note: If you receive this via email, you’ll have to go to The Intruder to see the picture!

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. “So, they’re trying to replace me”, thinks the old rooster. “I’ve got to do something about this”.

He walks up to the new bird and says, “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff, don’t you? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself”. The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on” said the young rooster. “And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy,” said the young rooster.

The two roosters went to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gathered to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there. Sadly, the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself…….. “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

The End of the Raven By Edgar Allen Poe’s Cat On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. ‘Raven’s very tasty,’ thought I, as I tiptoed o’er the floor, ‘There is nothing I like more’ Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor – Bric-a-brac and junk galore. Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents’ worth – ‘Nevermore.’ While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore – Only this and not much more. ‘Oooo!’ my pickled poet cried out, ‘Pussycat, it’s time I dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; How I’ve wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty Put and end to that damned ditty’ – then I heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor, Jumped – and smashed it on the floor.

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I’m sorry officer, I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn’t like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I’m on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it’s head out.

Q. How does a cat commit suicide?
A. He shoots himself in the head nine times.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, and the fourth man was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square, do your stuff!”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a rectangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out to the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very smart, also.

However, the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog
and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
also very smart.

These three men then turned to the government worker and asked, “What can
your dog do?”

The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your
stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workman’s Comp, and went home on sick leave.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Interupting Cow Interupt…. MOO!!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and
Sean says to Paddy; “Dat”s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can
help.
“Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick,
“Put dem in a pepper bag”

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get
into Mick”s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

“Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds followed by a loud “Splat!”

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.

“Focket Dat,” Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin” is too dangerous for me…”

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is
carrying the familiar ”pepper bag”.

Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand
Seamus is carrying a gun.

“Watch this Paddy” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot”s
head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean”s mashed remains at
the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, “An” oim never troyin” that parrotshooting
oider…”

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and
walks up with his ”pepper bag”.

Dan pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds
its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

“For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus
parrotshooting and now you fockin” hengliding…”

A preacher is buying a parrot.”Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.”Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.”Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.””Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?””I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.