Category: animals

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man’s trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!”.

The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him.
I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass”!

One day a guy walked in to apet shop and was looking for a pet a
sales man comes over and says”Would you like a pet that could do
all your chores”sure i would the guy said then the saleman says
see that centepiede it can do every thing take it or leave it
the says ill take the guy gos home and says go get some milk to
the centepiede{which had ove a thousand legs} the cenpied gos
out the door the guy waits 20 mins 30 mins now an hour the guy
got up and went out the door and looked down and saw the
centepiede he said what are you doing then the centepiede
replies im going im going im tieing my shoes

In a pod of whales, how can you tell which one is gay?
He’s the one that tips the boat and sucks out the ‘seamen!’

Why do elephants jump across rivers?
So they won’t step on the fish.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
‘Cause he freakin’ felt like it!

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.

Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.

Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.

Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I’ll get a clear shot at the bear.

Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and I’ll have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunter’s sack.

Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese . . . then I’ll be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole.

Suddenly, the fly drops two inches . . .

Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream . . .

What’s the moral of the story?

If a fly drops two inches, a pussy gets wet!

A: A watch dog.

A few quick notes from “The Age” by Bill Flick — Just when you thought it was safe to get behind the wheel.

Along Interstate 35E near St. Paul, Minn., a motorist who had set the cruise control on her minivan was baffled when it began to speed up anyway, so she looked down and saw that a raccoon had sneaked into the van and was stepping on the accelerator.

At a busy intersection in Port Clinton, Ohio, a skunk got its head caught in a Coke can and held up traffic for 20 minutes when it became blinded and confused, running around in circles and spraying motorists.

A feral ferret caused chaos in England when it climbed aboard a train, darted over passengers’ laps, then sneaked into the driver’s cab and ate his cheese sandwich.

Why elephants are colored grey?
So you can tell them from canaries.

Why did the Aligatore cross the road?
beacuse it was the chickens day off?

One day a community decided that they wanted to find out who’s got the most talented dog. So three people showed up. When the judges were ready, they asked a young boy with a golden retriever, “What can your dog do?” The boy replied,”My dog can sit and stick his head out the window without drooling.” Then a second girl came in with a poodle and said, “We’ll my dog can shake hands and stick her head through the car window and sing!”

While they were arguing over whose dog’s the best, a boy walked in the room crying, holding a collar in his hand, but no dog was with him. The judges said, “Where’s your dog?” The boy said, “He stuck his head out the window.”

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

“Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal” the salesman said.

“What makes him so special?” the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet’s right foot, and Chet started to sing “Jingle bells, jingle bells..” and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing “Deck the halls…”

So the man asked, “What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?”
“Well I don’t know” answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot’s legs and instantly Chet began to sing…
“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”