Category: animals

1. Throughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids
lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You
may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any
part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for
any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ”powerwash and
rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog

Q. What kind of bees make the best milk?
A. Boo-bees!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave’s roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me.”

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Do you see that tree over there?”

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Well I didn’t!”

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it’s right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings. “Well, this is a highly trained parrot.

If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,” replies the shop keeper.

“And what happens if I pull both the strings?” our curious shopper inquires.

“I fall off my perch you fool!!” screeches the parrot.

A: Because they don’t know the words.

A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because
the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I could think up a dozy to explain the
bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my
shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen. “Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset
it.”

“You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded “What if it starts going and sucks me
in?” (Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt
at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to
their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves
compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a
violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly
stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and
rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are
sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the “flight” option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek
great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out
cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical
laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s
the matter, cat got your tongue?” If they had only known.

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became
completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all
day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the
husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then
one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy
chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of
its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a
special imported “Goony bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate,
he exclaimed, “Goony bird! The table!”

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury
attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful
forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, “Goony bird!
The shelf!”

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

“Wow!” said the wife, “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing
will!” So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa
guzzling beer and watching the game. “Honey!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a
surprise for you! A Goony bird!”

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, “Goony Bird, my foot!”

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, “Gimme a chap stick.”

The pharmacist asks the duck, “Will that be cash or charge?”
The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, “Give me a box of condoms.”

The clerk says, “Do you want me to also put them on your bill?”
The duck says, “Hell no, I’m not that kind of duck!”

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?

When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, “The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it’s got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.”

The second shook his head and said “Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain’t nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.”

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, ” No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.”

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, ” A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an ‘gator head on the other”

“WAIT ! interrupted the others, “If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?”

The reply was simply,” He don’t, that’s what makes him so mean”.

The dog is not allowed in the house.

Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

The dog can get on the old furniture only.

Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep
with the humans on the bed.

Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.