Category: animals

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act. The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn’t stop it he’s going to shave the parrots head. That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. ‘Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right’. Until two bald guys walk in and he says, ‘And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!’

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

Why do people in vermont were kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers from a mile away.

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “give us two beers over here!”

The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, “Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”

The man say’s to the bartender, “oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”

The bartender replied back, “well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!”

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He’s so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says, “alright lets try one more”.
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says “lets see him play this!”

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out ” See I knew he couldn’t play all these instruments!”

And the man replies, “Just give him a few more minutes…
as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it, he’ll play it!”

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I
was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can
marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t think so.”

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken’s bottom.

What would be the difference between a dead rabbit on the side of the road and
Brittney Spears dead on the road?
There would be skid marks in front of the rabbit.

Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they’re here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says ”What’s your name??” The duck replies ”Quack”. The police officer then asks ”And why are you here ??” The duck says ”For blowing bubbles in the pond.” ”Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That’s illegal!! That’s a $50.00 fine!!” The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the second duck and says ”What’s your name??” The duck replies ”Quack Quack”. The police officer then asks ”And why are you here??” The duck says ”For blowing bubbles in the pond.” ”Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That’s illegal!! That’s a $50.00 fine!!” The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the third duck and says ”And your name must be Quack Quack Quack.” And the duck replies ”No, it’s Bubbles.”

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road ?

A. Becuase he was stuck to the chicken.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any
gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the
gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.

“The sharks got ’em.”

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his
shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back
again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note
in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I
have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there
is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the
sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he
decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to
a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the
lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with
the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and
starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this
stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the
seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to
the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his
seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the
number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher,
by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels
thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,
moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs,
pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries
still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk
down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run,
and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the
path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter
of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against
it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits
at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you
doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever, my ass. This is the second
time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Q: Why do swimming teachers
like elephants??

A:Because they never forget
there trunks!!