Category: animals

A: To try to forget.

Question: Why did the chicken run away from home?

Answer: It was Friday

(Written by Michael Wilson for the Oregonian, Sunday, July 29th, 2001)

Let’s say you’re an ape. You’re hanging out, you’ve got cool boots with individual toes. Ape City swings. Your job keeps you in torches and horse food. your wife looks good in green, which is a bit of luck, since that’s all the women wear.

You lips move funny when you talk, but whatever.

Then this… this THING shows up. he’s like an ape, but not quite. He’s practically hairless. Does he shave his body? Creepy freak.

Then he opens his mouth and speaks. And he sounds just like Charlton Heston. And he won’t shut up. And that voice. And sorry, but you can’t deal with that today. He calls you names. he goes off on your stinking paws.” He disrespects your leather.

So you bounce his scrawny head off some walls. you clamp a collar on him and lean him around town. You and your boys put the fire hose on his non-hairy self.

Where, exactly, is the problem here? No, seriously. If Charlton Heston came up to you, right now, in your house while you’re reading this at your computer and started rasping with his teeth clenched together about “this-upside-down-civilization” you’d slap his narrow backside into a cage, too. Beat it, gun boy. Tell ’em “Hi” at the Statue of Liberty.

All I’m saying is no one ever looks at this from the ape’s point of view…

A talking duck waddles into a stop ‘n’ rob and asks the sales guy, “Got any grapes?”

“No,” answered the guy.

The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”

The clerk replies, “No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago–I don’t have any grapes!”

The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he’s back again, asking, “Got any grapes?”

In a real snit now, the clerk yells, “No I don’t have any goddamn grapes! You come back in here again, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!”

Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, “Got any nails?”

The guy says “NO!”

The duck replies, “Good! Got any grapes?”

One day a little boy was walking down the street and noticed a doggy on a cats back. He said to his mum, “mummy look! that cat is giving that dog a piggy back!”, he said. The mother replied, ” No son, dont look, that dog is shagging that cat!”, The young boy thought for a while and said to his mum, “have you ever shagged someone?”, he said curious. “Yes, when you hear banging at night, thats me and your dad at it!”, She explained.

“Mummy, You wanna shag?” He said.

What weighs 2000 pounds and lays at the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick!

A bear walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar.
“Can i get you anything mate?”, says the barman.
“yeah, ill have a pint of fosters and a…… ……… ………… packet of peanuts please!”
With that the bloke looks at the bear as he hands him the pint and says “ay maye, whats with the huge pause?”

What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his
mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer.

”I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

“I’ll try,” said a small woman, ”but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with the beer bottle.”

Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
Because white ones get dirty too fast.

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?

To find a tight Seal.

Two guys are in mental institution.
One guy says, �Hey, I know how we can break out of here!�
The second guy says, �Oh yeah, how?�
The first guy says, �I’ve been thinking about really hard ever since I saw
that big search light that goes around every night from the airport. Here is
what we do. First, we steal a flashlight.�
The second guy says, �Hey, we don’t have to do that, I’ve got one here that my
kids sent me!�
The first guy says, �Great, then meet me out in the courtyard, near the wall
tonight, after everyone goes to bed.�
So they meet out by the wall after dark. The guy with the light asks the first
guy. �Just how will this plan work?�
The first guy says, �It’s like this, you shine the light up on to the top of
the wall. I’ll climb up the beam of light to the top. You throw up the light and
I’ll shine the beam down for you to climb up. Okay?�
The second guy ponders the plan a second and then says, �Hey, just a minute. I
know what you would do. I’d get you up on top of the wall and throw you up the
light. Then, as I was half way up you’d turn off the light! Do you think I’m
crazy or something?�