Category: animals

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him
and asked “What are you in here for, buddy?” The dog looked depressed,
“I’m in big trouble”, he said, “My owner has a really nice sports car with
leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he
took me for a ride and I was so excited, I pee’d on the nice leather seat.
Now he’s having me put to sleep.”

“I know how you feel”, said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn’t help myself…I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep, too.”

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. “So what are you
here for?” they asked. “Well,” said the third dog, “my owner likes to do
her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt
down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped
on her back and had the ride of my life!”

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, “So she’s having you put to sleep, too,
huh?” “No,” said the dog, “I’m having my nails clipped.”

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

“We can’t see each other anymore….” she sobbed.

“Why?” gasped Declan.

“Daddy says crabs are too common,” she wailed. “He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean… and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.”

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father’s side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor…and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke…………..

“Fuck, I’m pissed.”

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

“Quotes About Cats”

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.”
– Dave Platt

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.”
-Anonymous {So true! My cats walks on me! – LadyHawke}

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.”
– Anonymous

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull
a sled through snow.”
– Jeff Valdez

“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.”
– English proverb

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.”
– Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d.”

“One cat just leads to another.” – Ernest Hemingway

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message
and get back to you later.”
– Mary Bly

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject
to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia.”
– Joseph Wood Krutch

“People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their
next life.”
– Faith Resnick

“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They
are all owned by cats.”
– Anonymous

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.”
– Hippolyte Taine

“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:
music and cats.”
– Albert Schweitzer

“The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.”
– Ernest Menaul

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
– Colette

“No heaven will not ever Heaven be;
Unless my cats are there to welcome me.”
– Anonymous

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.”
– Missy Dizick

“You will always be lucky if you know how to make
friends with strange cats.”
– Colonial American proverb

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want.”
– Joseph Wood Krutch

“Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.”
– John S. Nichols

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle
and will p**s on your computer.”
– Bruce Graham

“I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.”

“My husband said it was him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.”

a Koala bear was bored and had nothing to do, so he decided to pick up a hooker, after he was done with her, he told her U can leave now, the hooker picked up a dictionary and said the definition of hooker “gets paid for sex”. the Koala bear picked up a dictionary and said the definition of Koala bear “eats bush and leaves”

A JAMAICAN WALKS INTO THE DOCTORS WITH A PARROT ON HIS HEAD,THE DOCTOR SAYS CAN I HELP YOU AND THE PARROT SAYS CAN YOU GET THIS BLACKHEAD OFF MY FOOT.

why cant polar bears eat penguins?
because they cant get the wrappers off!

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do!

What do you call a cow laying on the ground

Ground beef

What’s dangerous and swings from trees?
A monkey with a chainsaw.

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.”An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins. “You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that’s been sitting out all day.The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.”Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”Again, the dog growls menacingly. “Alright, alright,” as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog’s owner screams at the dog.”Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” comments the butcher.”He’s a stupid dog–that’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout …. run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.