Category: animals

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

Q: What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie?
A. meloncollie

What do you get when you breed a cow and a
sheep?

A sheep cow!!!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, ” Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.”

She exclaims, ” I’m not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”

The husband replies,” Well, why don’t you just hold it’s little nose!”

A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
”If you want to be part of this regiment,” he shouted at them, ”then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?”
”COMMITMENT, sergeant-major!” the recruits all shouted back.
”Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.”
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-major’s love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. ”This,” he shouted. ”is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!” He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.
”That, you ‘orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you ‘orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?”
There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. ”I, will sergeant-major,” he said ”but you’ve got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.”

Q.Why did the frog cross the road

A. to visit his flat mate

A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with
him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad
part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its
head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended,
I decided to go and speak to the man.

“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to
enjoy the film.”

The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”

2 competitive silk worms decided to have a race… it ended in a Tie!!!

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?”, the priest asked.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’.”

“That’s terrible!”, the priest exclaimed. “I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

“Thank you.” said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, “Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!”

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, “Great…he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one.” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”