Q Why is cinderella bad at football?
A Because she has a pumkin as a coach.
Category: animals
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
Weird Animals
Q: Why do elephants paint there balls red in the summer?
A: To hide up in cherry trees!
Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: Monkeys eating cherrys!!!
get it??
A walkie-talkie, of course
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
The Jack Rabbit
One day a lonley Jack Rabbit was out running until he hopped along side a horse. The Jack Rabbit said ” nice day huh?” the horse replies “yeah but my feet are tired” Jack Rabbit, ” why is that” Horse, “cause the guy I just ran away from rode me too hard!”
The skunk
Whats black and white but red allover?
A skunk going 90 miles an hour in a blender.
Turkey
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t chicken.
A turtle called Speedy
A man walks into a bar with his turtle which is has two black eyes, 3 broken legs, a plater on his head and duct tape holding his shell together.
the bar man looks to him and says
“what the hell is that thing”
the man replies
“this is the fasted turtle in the world”
the barman
” if it can make it across the length of my bar in 10 mins i will give you free drinks all evening”
the man
” its a deal”
So everybody in the bar is waiting patiently for the man to put his turtle and on the floor and watch it go then the bar man says go, and without any hesitation the man throughs his turtle across the bar bouncing off the wall at the other side and falling to the floor.
The man replies
“two shots of vodka please”.
The beach
One day at the beach there was this girl that did not have any
arms or legs and was crying.So that day this guy walks by her
and says is there anything wrong the girl says yes never been
kissed so he kissed her.The next day she was there crying again
so the guy walked by her and said is there something wrong the
gurl says yes never been huged
so the guy huged her.The next day he sees that girl crying so he
walks
by and says anything wrong the girl says yes never been fucked
so he picked her up and threw her in the water and said now
you’re fucked.
Animals
There was this cat that went to heaven. When he got up there God asked him was there anything he could do for him to make his stay more plesent. The cat replied that he wanted a nice soft coushon for him to lie on because he was tired from being chased by dogs. God gave him the coushon and the cat went off. A few hours later 3 mice came. God asked them the same thing he asked the cat. The mice asked for a pair of rollerblades each because they have been chased by women with brooms all their life. God gave the rollerblades and they went off. Later that day God went to the cat to see how things were going. The cat said great and those meals on wheels were spectauler.
How do you Catch a Squirrel?
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
A pile of one liners!
Why are sheep always in a field?
Because they can’t get out !
Who gives my cat his Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents?
Santa Claws!
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while i go ahead!
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs!
What did mary say to santa during the storm?
Look at that rain, dear!
Where do plumbers buy there presents?
Bath!
Why is it best to park your car near the moon?
Because there is a lot of space!
What is the use of reindeer?
It makes the garden grow sweetie!
How many legs does rudolph have?
Four?
No, six. – he’s got forelegs and two back legs!
What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini?
Squash!
Why did the reindeer take his nose apart?
To see what made it run!
What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail?
Reg!
Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer?
No.
Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deer
Why do reindeers have wrinkled ankles?
Because they lace there boot too tight!
What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas?
A herring aid!
Whats the worst thing to get for christmas?
Measles!
Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present?
Leeds!
Where does noddy do his christmas shopping?
Redcar!
Where does the queen do her christmas shopping?
Newcastle!
What happens if you get too hot at a football match?
Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.