Category: animals

YOU KNOW THE RIDDLE “ROW

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he’s in for, he answers, “My
master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I
soiled it, so now I’ve been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you
here for?”

The first dog replies grimly, “I’m also being put to sleep. My master had a
table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I
accidently bumped into the table and broke them all.”

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he’s in for. The third
dog answers, “The reason I’m here is the other day my master stepped out of the
shower and she bent over. I couldn’t resist, so I jumped her from behind and
took her like a wild animal!”

“So I guess you’re also here to be put to sleep?” says the first dog.

The third dog answers, “Nope, I’m here to get my nails clipped!”

What did the elephant say to the naked man??????How the hell do you breath out of that thing.

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern
for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage
by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he
can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more
than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and
close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple
shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from
your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to
protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction
boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a
long-sleeved flak jacket.

III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire.
They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide
the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You
have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem
is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give
him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and
fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for
cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)

IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will
be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the
cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared
with what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is
semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with
your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing
you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After
all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down
and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a
lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he
is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to
get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to
give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money on the
counter. Natrally the guy asks the bartender ‘That money couldnt
have possibly been collected in tips, whats it there for?’
so the bartender explains ‘well in this jar is $5,000 in cash
and i am willing to give it up if someone will take on a dare i
propose to them.’
so the guy say says ‘well whut is the dare?’
the bartender smirks and explains ‘well u see that huge, burley,
monster of a man?’ the guy nods-
-the bartender says ‘you have to knock him out cold in one
swing, and you see that door in the back of this bar?’
the guy nods while the bartender continues ‘behind that door is
a pitbull, you gotta reach in her mouth and pull out her gold
tooth, and u see the old woman sitting on that park bench across
the street?’ the guys nods again-bartender says ‘she is 93 and a
virgin , u must have sex with her’
so the guys sits for about 10minutes thinking this dare over and
in the end thinks what the heck – ill take the dare, i need the
money anyway.
so he goes up to the gigantic man and knocks him out cold ,
one punch to the head. then he goes to the back of the bar opens
the door goes in, and closes it. for at least 30 minutes the
rest of the bar hears loud squealing and yelping from the
pitbull and moans and groans from the guy. Finally the guy comes
out looks at the bartender and says ‘ok so wheres the old lady
with the gold tooth?’

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, ” Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.”

She exclaims, ” I’m not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”

The husband replies,” Well, why don’t you just hold it’s little nose!”

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ”Bach, Bach, Bach…

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman
who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did
not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her
surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She
tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the
same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she
reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them
said, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.”

what do you call a cow with no legs?
a ground beef

what do you get when you cross a cow with a dog?
a hound beef

what goes “ooo,ooo,ooo”?
a cow with no lips

why do cows where bells?
because thier horns doesnt work

what newspaper do cows read?
the daily moos

what do you call a cow spying on another cow?
a steak out

Why did the chicken cross the road?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the
place, anyway?”

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the
road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with
that chicken.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find
out.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask
Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

Here’s a bit of dog humor that’s been making the rounds lately. The question, of course, is “How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?”

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

German Shepherd: I’ll guard the light bulb while you decide. Back off!

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid light!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go ahead–make me!

Shih-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.

Lab: Oh, me, ME! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Chow Chow: I’m with the Malamute. After I take my nap, that is!

Akita: I’m with the Chow and Malamute! What’s for dinner?

Jack Russell Terrier or Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it’s mine, ALL mine!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there.

why did the chicken cross go by the underpass?