Category: animals

Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One whale spots a
ship and suggests to the other, “Hey, why don’t we swim under
that boat, and spurt out water so it tips over?”
“Well,” says the other whale, “I’ll give it a blow job, but I
refuse to swallow to swallow any sea men!”

Why did the dog cross the road?
He saw some dog food.

Why did the Possum cross the road?….. Because he was stappled to the chicked!!!!

Q. What’s grey and comes in quarts?
A. An elephant.

What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman
yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!

Q.what do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. do-you-think-he-sore-us?

Editor’s note: And, yes, I know that Penguins are only in the Southern hemisphere and polar bears are only in the Northern…

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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported “Goony bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, “Goony bird! The table!”

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, “Goony bird! The shelf!”

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

“Wow!” said the wife, “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. “Honey!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!”

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, “Goony Bird, my foot!”

One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His
neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. “What are
you doing?” he asks. Little Johnny replies, “My goldfish died
and I’m burying him.” “That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish,
ain’t it?” asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back,
“That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat!”

13> It had been tough growing up in the spotlight, alone, separated from her by the jail house bars of a system that didn’t understand their love. But someday they would be together again, and he would wait, counting the days until she was released. After all, it was Mary who had turned him from a little lamb into a young ram.

12> His nose was cold. Colder than any nose that dared sniff her before. She backed further into his muzzle.

11> The muscular ram grabbed her by the wooly tuft on the back of her neck and with a sinful gleam in his eye said, “You’ve been a very baa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aad girl.”

10> His torrid affair with the donkey left him smelling like ass.

9> His every pant brought forth a musky scent, and he growled low in his throat and said, “Moan like a human, bitch!”

8> My master crossed his legs provocatively, dangling one taut lean calf over his knee. As his leg bobbed rhythmically, his cuff climbed higher, revealing– Hey! A squirrel!

7> Squeezing his octopus companion tightly with his tentacles, Oliver felt shame as he prematurely released his ink.

6> Polly’s new man was like all the others. He never seemed to ask what she really wanted, choosing instead to insistently repeat his offer of a cracker.

5> Timmy and Sally rested for several seconds, then began anew. Then rested again. Followed by more loving. A brief nap. Once again with the coitus. The bunnies simply could not help themselves.

4> In all of the streams in all of the mountains in all of the northwest, she had to come swimming into mine. Not really a surprise, I suppose. We all *had* to swim into this particular stream… or die trying.

3> He didn’t need the love of a female. He didn’t need a male, either, for that matter. He was a worm. He had it all.

2> “Hold me closer,” the gorgeous white kitten purred. “Closer, closer… now leave me alone! Don’t look at me — I’ll go over here. Okay, now hold me closer again….”

1> “Your bulging green eyes, your powerful jaws — I think I’m losing my head over you, darling.” “You have no idea how right you are, loverboy.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

why the chicken cross the road?
– he wanted to meet the “chicks”.

A professor places a flea on the tabke and orders it to jump.It does. He then cuts of its legs and repeats the command. The flea remains stationary.The professor then proclaims to his students…..i have now proved that by cutting off a fleas legs the creature is rendered completely deaf!