Category: animals

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human’s lap. If you can, arrange to have “Friskies Fish n’ Glop” on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, “But you always allow me on the table when company isn’t here.” Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn’t necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can’t be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human’s eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

Hamlet’s Cat’s Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether ’tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clock’s bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portal’s opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, there’s the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the household’s petty plagues, The cook’s well-practiced kicks, the butler’s broom, The infant’s careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbor’s yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scratches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans’ faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause upon the threshold of decision.

Q:WHAT DO CATS PUT IN SOFT DRINKS?
A:MICE CUBES

BY DORAN STOCKS. AGE 17,SHEFFIELD

You might be a redneck if you think a thesaurus is a dinosaur!

Q. What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?
A. You let the pit bull finish.

Q:Where do the garbage men take their horse?
A:(sing)to the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump.

Yassir Araafat’s last wish before he slipped into a coma was to convert to becone a jew. His wife asked him, but why oh glorious one, leader of the world would you want to become one of the accursed of the world? So that dear Suha there will soon be another dead jew.

Whats adefenition of a slug
A.a snail with a housing problem

Burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s
looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I
can see you, and so can Jesus!”

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes
back to his business.

“I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the
corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a
parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

“So what,” says the burglar, “you’re only a parrot!”

To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!”

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The egg is frowning and looking annoyed, while the chicken is smoking a cigarette and has a big smile on his face.

The egg says, “Well, I guess we answered that question.”

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought to himself, “I’m not hiring that ole lazy cajun…”He decided to set a test for Boudreaux, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without any problems.The first question the boss asked was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” Boudreaux says, “Dat’s easy,” and draws three oak trees. The boss says, “What the hell’s that?” Boudreaux says, “Tree ‘n’ tree ‘n’ tree makes nine.”The boss says, “Fair enough.” “Second question, same rules, but this time represent 99.”Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Dere ya go, sir,” he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” Boudreaux says, “Each tree is dirty now! so it’s dirty tree, ‘n’ dirty tree, ‘n’ dirty tree…dat’s 99!”The boss, now is getting worried he’s going to have to hire him, so he says, “All right, question three. Same rules once again, but this time represent the number 100.”Boudreaux stares into space again, then shouts, “I got it!” He then makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says “Dere ya go, sir. 100.” The boss looks at Boudreaux’s attempt and thinking that he’s got him this time. “Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred.” Boudreaux leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, an dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes a hundred! So when can I start workin’?

What do you give a sick Bird?
Tweetment!!!!!!!!!!!!!