A man suspected his wife of cheating on him. so he decided to buy a talking parrot to tell him what goes on while he’s at work. He looks all over, and all he can find is a parrot with no legs, buts he’s desperate, so he buys it. He sets the parrots cage up, and props the bird up, and the next day he tells the parrot, “pay careful attention to what goes on today.So the man goes to work, and about 2 hours later, the woman come in with the mailman. The parrot looks at them carefully so he can tell the man everything. When the man comes home, he asks to parrot, “so what happened?” “Well”, the parrot started “she came in with the mail man, and they started kissing, and he started to undress her..” Then the parrot stopped. “Well!! What else happened??”The parrot said, I dont know, I popped a boner and fell over.”
Category: animals
What do you call a dog with no legs?
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don’t matter he ain’t gonna come anyway.
Cat Hating Husband
A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks
away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the
driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing
happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home
before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached
what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, “Jen is the cat
there?” “Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, “Put
that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions.”
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
The Fowl-Mouthed Parrot!
A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said “$50.00”.
She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, “Why is this parrot so cheap?”
“Well,” he replied, “You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it.”
How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.
The parrot looked around and said “Awk! New House, New Madam!”
“Well,” the woman thought, “That’s not so bad.”
Then the woman’s two daughters came home from school.
“Awk!”, the parrot said, “New Madam, New Whores!”
Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn’t so bad either. Then the woman’s husband came home from work.
“Awk!” The parrot said, “New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!”
Egg-Laying
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break
Cross Between . . . .
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pick Pocket with a Peeping Tom?
A: A person who Watches Snatches!
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
3. Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler:
Make me.
5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd:
I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make
sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …
13. Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle …
15. Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he
finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat’s Answer:
“Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?”
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.
Walkin’ in a Doggie Wonderland
Dogs tags ring, are you listening’?
In the lane, snow is glistening’.
It’s yellow, not white — I’ve been there tonight,
marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance.
It’s a sign for wand� ring vagrants;
“Avoid where I pee, it’s my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.”
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go, man,
so all the world will know its mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
“Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.”
The Panda
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
…then you are probably a cat or a dog.
Dog
Why did the dog cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.