Category: animals

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air
waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she
chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

An old lady is boarding a plane with her dog in a cage to go to
isreal. The plane attendant says, “I am sorry ma’am, you can’t
bring that dog on the plane it will have to go with the cargo.”
She tries to explain to the man that the dog won’t bark
becase…and she is rudely interupted by the attendant saying “I
am sorry, no exceptions.”

So she does what he says, and she arives in Isreal. The people
are unpacking the cargo to find that the dog is dead. They
search all over town for an identical dog. after about 3 hours
of waiting, the man brings out this women’s dog, barking and
hollering.

The women says, “sir, this isn’t my dog.” The man goes “of
course it is it looks exactly like it.”

The women goes, “no sir my dog was dead I was coming to isreal
to bury it.”

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says,
“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!”

A: A happy pit bull.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don’t let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won’t be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macram� plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
Because there were too many cheetahs.

How do amish find thier sheep in tall grass?

very satisfying..

A man walks into a bar one day to see a horse tied up to a stool
with a bucket full of five dollar bills beside him. The man goes
up to the bartender and says,”Hey, whats going on with the
horse?” the bartender replies, “You put five dollars into that
bucket and if you can make that horse laugh, you can take home
all the money.” the guy figures its worth a shot so he puts five
dollars into the bucket and whispers into the horses ear. The
horse looks dazed for a moment and then starts laughing
uncontrolably. The man picks up the bucket and silently walks
out.

The next day, the same man walks into the same bar and sees the
same horse. He goes up to the bartender and says, “same thing
today?” the bartender says, “Nah, today you gotta make him cry”
so the guy puts a five into the bucket and leads the horse into
another room. A couple of minutes later the guy and the horse
come back. The horse is sobbing and weeping all over the place.
The man picks up the bucket and is about to walk out the door
when the bartender says, “Hey, pal, wait up. What did you do to
that animal? I’ve got to know.” The man smiles and simply
replies, “Well the first day I told the horse I had a bigger
dick than he did, and today I proved it.”

Mary had a little lamb,
She tide it to a pylon,
500 volts went up it’s ass,
and now it’s wool is nylon

Mary had a little lamb,
she knew it cudnt swim,
she took it to the swimming baths,
and threw the fucker in

Mary had a little Lamb,
she also had a duck,
she put them on the mantle piece,
to see if they wud fuck

Mary had a little Lamb,
her father shit it dead,
now everyday she takes it to school,
in a roll of bread!

So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!”

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don’t matter he ain’t gonna come anyway.