Category: animals

How do you catch a polar bear in Alaska?

First you go out and cut a hole in the ice. Then, you line the hole
with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the
ice-hole.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him “Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage
with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ……that phase
….. in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the
solution.” The next day , she brought her female parrots to the
priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she
walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the
female
parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?”
There was stunned silence. Finally one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the fucking beads away, Francis,
our prayers have been answered!!”

“No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens.”

– Abraham Lincoln

“One cat just leads to another.”

– Ernest Hemingway

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”

– Mary Bly

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.”

– Unknown

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.”

– Joseph Wood Krutch

Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!”

A butcher in his shop, and he’s real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.”

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. “What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven’s sake !”, to which the guy responds… “Genius me butt – this is the second time this week that he’s forgotton his key!”

Once a very rich man and his dog were sailing at sea. Suddenly a very severe storm lashed at the boat and gale force winds tossed the fragile boat. After many days the sea dumped them both onto an uninhabited island. The boat was completely smashed . The deserted island was barren except for many bones, a freshwater lake, and some cats.

The man became extremely depressed as he realised that rescue from the remote island was not likely. He missed the life he had left behind. He kept remembering his grand mansion, the luxury cars, the exotic restaurants and all the partying.

In contrast to him, his dog was loving the life on the island. There were hundreds of bones to chew , nice cool freshwater to drink and even dozens of cats to chase.

The man, however, was feeling more and more down and was missing his previous fantastic life. Then after many years, just as things looked hopeless, their fortunes changed dramatically .While playing on the beach, the dog found a magic lamp and quickly took it to his master. With great joy the man vigorously rubbed the lamp and a Genie popped out. After stretching himself the Genie spoke;

“I was trapped for three thousand years and thanks to the two of you I am finally free. As a gesture of my gratitude , I will grant ONE wish to each of you.”

The Genie went to the man first;

“What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you.”

The man, running around with joy said;

” What is there to think ! Send me back to my luxury mansion. My life will be back to normal. I can already think of a good restaurant to go for dinner. After that I will….”

As the man was talking there was a “POOF!” and he disappeared back to his previous life of luxury.

The Genie then went to the dog;

“What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you.”

Unlike the man, the dog thought a lot;

” I really can’t complain. There are plenty of bones to chew on and a lot of freshwater to drink. The cats are a joy to chase and the weather is great. I suppose the only thing is that this island is a bit lonely, specially after my master left. I wish he was here…”

“POOF!”

The man reappeared on the island and having granted the wishes, the Genie vanished.

Submitted by DogtoGod.com

Q) what goes dot-dot-dash-dash-dot-dash-dot-dot-croak?

A) morsetoad

Say the word “cow” BEFORE each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now say the word “cow” AFTER each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now say the word “cow” BEFORE AND AFTER each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now read the words upwards from the bottom.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

A little girl asks her Mom, “May I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom says, “No honey, the dog is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your Father. I think he’s in the garage”.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you”.

Her Dad said, “Bring Susie over here”.

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear end with it and said, “Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block”.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks, “Where’s Susie?”

The girl replies, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there’s another dog pushing her home!

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Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air
waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she
chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”