Category: animals

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

What do you do if there is a pink horse and a purple elephant chasing you?

Get off the carousel!

A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and
say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books,
and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and
say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire another
three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the
librarian, looking very annoyed and say, ‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’ The
librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they
request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this
point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens
throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit
Rrredit Rrredit…”

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. The
pheasant sighed, “I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree over there, but I just haven’t got the energy.” “Well,
why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings? They’re packed
with nutrients.” replied the bull. The pheasant pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree! And the very next day, after
eating some more, he reached the second branch! And so on. And
finally, after just a few days, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Where upon, he was spotted by a farmer who
dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the
pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won’t keep you there

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little
wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that
says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this
club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at
the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he
said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first
tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the
gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The
gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of
sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from
the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train
him to hit the ball like that? There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t
beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the
trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle.
Every time.”

how do u stop a dog barking in the back of the car?
you put it in the front

how do you stop a dog barking in the front of the car?
you put it in the back

by declan

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. “That’s a strange looking dog you have there,” he said.

“Yes, he is rather,” said the newcomer, “but he’s a great fighter.”

“Is he now? I bet he isn’t as good a fighter as my Fang here.”

“All right – how much do you wanna bet?”

“Ten dollars.”

“You’re on.”

So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master’s side.

“I’d never thought I’d see Fang get defeated,” said the loser’s master, handing over the ten dollars, “especially by such an odd-looking one like yours.”

“Yes, he does look a little peculiar,” agreed the winner’s master, “but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off.”

One day 3 mice got sooo board they decided to go on vacation.
They went on vacation in the bathroom. The first mouse went in
the tub,the second mouse went in the sink and the third mouse
went in the toilet. When they got back they told everyone about
it. The first mouse said”It was nice and refreshing and i liked
it”. The second mouse said “It was nice and refreshing and i
liked it”. The third mouse said “well,i didn’t like it at all!
First it started to get dark then there was thunder and it
started to rain and after all that there was a giant whirlpool!!
But if it wasn’t for the log i wouldn’t be standing here!

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn’t tell whose bullet had taken the cougar’s life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar’s rear.

So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, … it was nothing but a catastrophe.

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked.

“Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third Monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.