Category: animals

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He
couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to
go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a
large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot,
and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the
whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove
him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why
don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”

A man and his wife are out playing golf. They tee off and his drive goes to
the right while her drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch
of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful
second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.

The mystery woman looks at the wife and says, “I’m Mother Nature and I don’t
like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter, you will become physically ill to
the point of total nausea.”

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appears. Shaken, the wife
calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”

“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”

The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”

A: To get to the other tide.

Q:Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

A:because their fingers are so big.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: If they lived near the bay, they’d be baygels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies
lined up on each arm; the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the
ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one
moron says to the other, “I don’t think much of this budgie jumping.”

The other moron replies, “Yeah, I’m not too keen on this paragliding either.”

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.She read, “…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said “‘Holy S***! A talking pig!'”The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O�Neill said, �Paul, give me a
sentence with a direct object.�
Paul replied. �Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.�
�Thank you, Paul,� responded Mrs. O�Neill, �but what is the object?�
�To get the best mark possible,� said Paul

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep
it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba
Dabba Doo!

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog
is wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey and helmet, and is festooned
with Cowboy pom-poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are
allowed! You’ll have to leave.”
The guy begs him, “Look, I’m desperate! We’re both big fans, the
TV’s broken at home, and this is the only place around where we
can see the game.”

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning
him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there’s any
trouble,
the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and
watch
the game.

The big game begins with the Cowboys receiving the kickoff. They
march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and
down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says,
“Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve seen! What does the
dog do if they score a touchdown?”

The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for three
years.”

Two middle aged women lived next door to each other, and they usually got along fine expect one had a dog the kept harrassing the others rabbits. One day the woman came to find her dog shredding one of the rabbits to pieces. Scared she quickly tore the rabbit away, Ran into the house, and washed it up. She did everything from combing it to putting on fake fur. Then she placed it inside the cage – which was outside – against the wall to make it look like it was just resting. Later she was out gardening and her neighbor ran out and said,”I found my rabbit in its cage and its been dead a week.”