Category: animals

Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car?
A: Put him in the front seat.

Q: Why don’t the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?

A: There are just too many Cheetahs

A: To take over the other side.

Rumours are going around dat posh an michael jackson is having an affair

michael jackson denies this because he was in brooklyn at the time

What do you call Jessica Winston?
Bessy the fat cow.

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days.

On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man – can only think of one thing.”

The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.

She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man – going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

Ed was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man. His life was blessed with a loving wife, 2 kids, three cats and a dog. Ed loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his son, little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty’s evening walks. Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his father: ‘Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take him for his walk?’Well, Ed wasn’t sure how he should answer his son. How DOES one explain the way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old? Stalling for time Ed asked: ‘What do you think he’s doing Johnny?’ Johnny frowned in concentration, then brightened and said: ‘I know! I Know! He’s checking his P-Mail!’

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

how do you catch a unique wabbit?
you neek up on him

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly
remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his
watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. ”Excuse me sir,” says the
young man ”do you know what time it is?”

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing
with them.

”Mmmmm, it is about 3:00” the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, ”How did you know that?” The zoo keeper
looks back at the man, ”I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.”

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?
It’s a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.
First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette. Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting.

He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen. He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic. It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?