Category: animals

What do elephants wear when they goes swimming?

Their trunks, of course!

Once there was a man who had a parrot who said nothing but,
“Polly wanna cracker.” The man got tired of hearing this from
his pet so one day he let his parrot go and told it to go learn
some new words and not to come back until he had.

So the parrot began his journey and the first place that he saw
was a mechanics body shop, so the parrot flew into the garage
and he heard the mechanic say, “Man, it is hot as hell in
here!!” So the parrot continued on his trip and kept repeating,
“Man it is hot as hell in here!!”

The next place the parrot flew by was a baseball stadium, and he
heard someone yell, “Let it fly!” So the parrot continued on his
journey saying, “let it fly, let it fly!”

The next day the parrot flew over a farm and he overheard a
farmer telling his workhand to look at that cow lying over in
the pasture. The farmer told his farmhand, “Go over there and
kick that ol’ bitch and see if she is alive.” So the parrot went
around saying that as well.

On the way back to his home the parrot stopped by a church to
see what was going on. Once he entered the church, the parrot
loudly said, “Man, it is hot as hell in here.” The preacher
immediatly stopped preaching, turned around and said, “You hush
your mouth or I will throw the good book at you.” So the parrot
proudly reiterated, “Let it fly, let it fly.” About that time,
the big fat lady that was playing the piano fainted and hit the
floor very hard. “Go over there and kick that ol’ bitch and see
if she is alive.” shouted the parrot.

Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog?
A: So that they didn’t have to bend down to pet it.

A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor’s office in a frantic state. She says, “Doctor, I think I’m turning into a horse!”The doctor, taken aback, replies, “I’m sure you may have SOME problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse.”The woman became more insistent and said, “Doctor, look at my teeth. They’re getting bigger and more yellow!”The doctor calmly replied, “Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don’t think you’re turning into a horse.”Getting more frustrated, the woman said, “Well, I think I’m getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It’s grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!”Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, “You’re NOT turning into a horse. We’ll just shave your neck occasionally.”At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder. “Just look at my finger and toe nails! They’ve become very thick and big. I’m developing HOOVES!”The doctor in amazement cried, “Holy cow! I’ve never seen finger and toe nails THAT big!”Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, “And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!”The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper.The woman asked, “Are you writing me a prescription?”The doctor said, “No. I’m writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he’ll give you a permit to take a dump in the street!”

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, “Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.”

“That’s amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs?” said the man.

“Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn’t. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren’t for that pig we would all be dead.”

“But still, that doesn’t explain why the pig only has 3 legs.”

“And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.”

“Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?” the man said quite annoyed at this point.

“Well,” said the farmer, “with a pig that special…
you have to eat ’em real slow.”

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!””So?” asked the ducks’ former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

Q. What goes 99 click? A. A centipede with a wooden leg.

A farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog.
So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to
breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they
were done, brought his hog back to his farm.

The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was
not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was
ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher
class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back
home.

But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time
he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of
one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then
wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.

In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go
see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for
him. The wife came back and told her husband, “Well, she ain’t pregnant,
but she’s in the cart and ready to go.”

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. “It’s not
for sale.” said the proprietor.

“Look,” said the collector, “that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I’m
eccentric. I like cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to ten dollars.”

“It’s a deal.” said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

“For that sum I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer.” said the
connoisseur. “The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.”

“Nothing doing.” said the proprietor firmly. “That’s my lucky saucer. From
that saucer, so far this week I’ve sold 34 cats.”

Dad and dave are walking along in the bush and they come across a dingo licking its balls. Dad says “I’ve always wanted to do that”. Dave replies “those dingoes can be pretty viscious you know you’d want to pat it a bit first”.

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a
shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee — just for an extra jolt to start off each day.”

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey —
throws his glass on the floor and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet — then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine.”

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says…
“I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat!”