Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.
Category: animals
Beaver felll home
what did the beaver say when his home fell down????
DAM IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smart Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”
To which the guy responds, “Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
Jim
Why did Jim fall of the bike?
Because Jim was a fish.
Dead Fish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
The Top 12 Rejected PETA Slogans
12. We Screw Up More Medical Research Before 9am Than Most People Do All Day
11. We Have More Overzealous Celebrities than the NRA!
10. I’d rather wear nothing, except maybe Versace leather pants.
9. “Don’t mistreat animals.” Now watch me say that naked.
8. Knuckle sandwiches: The only meat *you’ll* be eating, pal.
7. One Mink, Two Mink, Red Mink, Blue Mink
6. We Got Your McNuggets Right Here!
5. A Vegetable Killed Our Pa
4. Come For The Animals, STAY For The Supermodels!
3. You’re Just Lucky We’re Weak from Malnutrition, Chester!
2. Them Lil’ Smokies is Great!
1. Animals: don’t look at ’em, don’t touch ’em, don’t eat ’em, and for God’s sake, keep ’em the Hell away from your genitalia!
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]My donkey
what do you say when someone jumps on your donkey?
“get of my ass!”
The male and female housefly
There lived a husband and a wife.One afternoon,the man came from work and saw his wife in the kitchen stragling with house
flies.He asked,dear what is the matter?.
She answered,am killing house flies.
He was suprised and repeated,HOUSE FLIES????
Yes she answered,I got two males and three females.
Then he aske,how did you know?
She answered,the males were on the beer bottle and the females were on the telephon
Red Toes
Why did the elephant paint his toenils red?I dont know why?
Because he whated to hide in a strawberry patch…. Did you ever see an elephant in a strawberry patch? No. See how good they hide.
Maintaining the Parrot
There’s a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is. “Your parrot has too much hook in it’s beak, what you have to do is file its beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You’ve got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink.”
The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he’ll do it himself. A week or so later they bump into one another in the street.
The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet?
The parrot owner says “the parrots dead”.
Pet shop guy says “I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?”.
Ex-parrot owner says “Shit no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!”
The Elephant
What do elephants wear when they goes swimming?
Their trunks, of course!
The Gangsta lion
What did one lion say to the other lion? What up mane.