Category: animals

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.Well, one day we got a service call that said, “Cat caught in machine, come quick!”When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was
soaking up the Miami sun, when an old flea friend of his walked by.
Oscar, what happened to you? asked the first flea when he saw how terrible
his friend looked — runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering.
I got a ride down here in some biker’s mustache and nearly froze my nuts off,
wheezed Oscar.
Let me give you a tip, old pal, said the first flea. Go to the stewardess
lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat, and when a stewardess comes
in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?
A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again,
looking more chilled and miserable than before.
I did everything you said, Oscar explained. I went to the stewardess lounge,
made a perfect landing, and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off.
And so? asked the first flea.
And the next thing I know, I’m in this guy’s mustache again!

What a dog thinks:

My family loves me. They care for me and feed me. They scratch behind my ears and play my favorite games with me. They must be gods!

What a cat thinks:

My family loves me. They care for me and feed me. They scratch behind my ears and play my favorite games with me. I must be a god!

What do a bicycle, chicken, and frog have in common?
They all have handlebars! Except for the frog and chicken

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

Q. What do you call two skunks having a 69?

A. Odor Eaters

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,”Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbits says,”No…”

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, “How much money is in there?”

The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, “26,000,000..”

The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, “So is it for the poor? Or is it lika a charity?”

The bartender shook his head.”No no no! That money is for the first person to complete three tasks.”

A little curious, the man said, “Is that so? Well, I’m sure I could get them done, so what are they?”

Grinning slightly, the bartender replied, “First task: You must chug down a 5 gallon bucket of beer. Second task: You must pull a rotten tooth from a wolf with rabies. Then for your final task, you must have sex with a 100 year old grandmother located upstairs.”

The man gulped a little, but replied, “Well, that still sounds like a deal!”

The man chugged down the 5 gallon bucket of beer. Woozy, he told the bartender to take him out to the wolf with rabies. “Leave me here! This could get rough,” the man said in a fluury of slurred words, as the bartender let him go and walked back in to tend to the custumers.

Minutes later he heard the wolf yelping and crying out. “Man, he must really have a thing with animals. He’s probably pulled that tooth right out.”

The bartender looked up in wonder as the man stumbled through the door and yelled in a drunken voice, “Now where’s that old lady with the rotten tooth?”

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says “fill it up, please”. The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are
occupied by penguins.

“Hey Buddy” says the attendant to the driver, “These birds can’t be happy like this…they’re wild animals, you should take them to a zoo
or something..”

The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels…

“What’s this?” he says to the driver, “I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?”

The driver says “I did…and they had such a great time that today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Psychiatrist: What’s your problem?Patient: I think I’m a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken�s day off.