Category: animals

What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A rooster says, “Cock a doodle doo!”, but a blonde says, “Any cock’ll do!”

There were three little pigs named Shutup, Stupid, and Trouble, and they were driving a car through the countryside once day.

Trouble leaned too far out the window and fell out of the car, and then down a hill, so Shutup and Stupid started looking for him.

A police car stopped to see what was the matter, but when the cops asked what their names were, the pigs each said their names in turn.

“Shutup”
“Stupid”

Misunderstanding them, the cops asked them if they were looking for trouble, and they said “Yes, he fell out of the car and rolled down the hill.”

Q: What does an elephant use as tampon?
A: A sheep.

Every year, Bob goes hunting during bear season. One year, Bob goes hunting, and shoots a small brown bear. Then, the mother of that small brown bear comes up to him and says, ” I’ll give you two choices, I’ll either kill you, or make love to you, but I won’t let you go.”Bob thinks on this, and decides he wants to live, so the mother bear then makes love to him.The next year, Bob goes hunting again, but this time, he shoots the mother bear that he was forced to make love to the year before. He shoots her, and her mother comes after Bob, and again, gives him the choice. “I will make love to you, or kill you, which will it be??”Again, Bob makes love to a bear.The next year, Bob goes once again for revenge, and kills the bear that he was forced to make love to the year before.This time, her sister comes up to Bob and says, “You don’t come here for the hunting, do you??”

A feller is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, “What on earth is that all about?” The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.” “Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?” The farmer replied, “There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

One day a fly was flying over a lake. In the lake a trout said
to himself, “If that fly will drop four inches, I can jump out
and catch it.” Behind a shrub a bear said to himself, “If that
fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water
and catch it, so I can reach out and grab the trout.” On a hill
sat a hunter who said, “If that fly will drop four inches, the
trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will
reach out and grab the trout, and it will expose him for a clear
shot.” Behind A bush there was a rat who said, “If that fly will
drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch
it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will
have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, and
I can steal his food.” Behind a tree was a cat who said, “If
that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the
water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout,
the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to
get his kill, the rat will steal the hunter’s food, and I can
pounce on the rat.” Well, everything began: the fly dropped four
inches, the trout caught the fly, the bear reached out and
grabbed the trout exposing himself, the hunter shot the bear and
ran down for his kill, the rat stole the hunter’s food, and the
cat tripped and rolled all the way down the hill into the lake.

Moral: When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.

A: Because it was a double-crosser.

HOW TO MAKE A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

One day an elephant steps on a mouse. The elephant says that he will do anything to make up for it. The mouse gets up and starts riding the old girl. Some chimps see it and throw the elephant with mango’s. The elephant says :’Ouch!’ And the mouse says: ‘Take it all, bitch!’

Q. What’s the difference between a hog and a man?
A. A hog doesn’t have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can score with some pig.

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. “Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?” The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope.” The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.”

The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.”

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. “WOW,” he screamed out loud, “this is great!” But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!” The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic.” He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?”

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!”