Tough Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this. I’m going home to screw the cat.”

How To Wash A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The DOG

A Toad and a Frog

A toad and a frog went to a whorehouse and got laid. Three days later, the toads dick turned a bright yellow, and the frogs dick turned a deep red. They proceeded to walk to the doctors house down the street and found he had left for the week to go on a golfing trip. The frog, frustrated, started to walk home.

The toad decided to find help elsewhere…. thinking it over, the frog turned around and tried to catch-up to the toad. The toad met a wicked witch, and asked her if she could cure the yellow dick syndrome… she told him to go down the road, and follow the signs until he came to the land of OZ… once there, the great and powerful Wizard would cure him. He thanked the witch, and started his journey.

Five minutes later, the frog met the witch and asked her if she would cure his red dick syndrome…she replied.” No I can’t, but the great and powerful Wizard of OZ could. The frog, so happy to hear this asked how to get there.

The witch replied, “follow the yellow dicked toad.”

The cow dealer

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared This isn’t the price I saw!”.

The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.

The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, “My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?”

The farmer replied, “Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick”.

The salesman said he and his son would be right out .

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer’s cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

The farmer said “Now wait a minute, that’s not the final price of the cow, you’re getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too”.

“What extras?” asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow

BASIC COW – 500.00

Two-tone exterior – 45.00

Extra stomach – 75.00

Product storing equipment – 60.00

Straw compartment – 120.00

4 spigots @$10 each – 40.00

Leather upholstery – 125.00

Dual horns – 45.00

Automatic fly swatter – 38.00

Fertilizer attachment – 185.00

Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Cool Sadam

once upone Saddam went to the zoo then he saw the monky then he said”oh coool my wife”
then the monky said “weshbalak ya rejal”
then sadAN ASKING”WHAT DO YOU MEAN”
THE MONKY SAID”I MEAN YOU COME FISH GO”
THEN SADAM SAID”3AYAL eNTA SHAROON”
NO REASONS
HA HAHA HAH AHA HAHA HAHA
���� ����� �� ����

The Matling Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading
down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first
bull and his sign stated, “This bull mated 50 times last
year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50
times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, “This bull
mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and
says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5
times a month. You can learn from this one also.”

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said, “This bull
mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and
says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A
DAY! You could really learn from this one.”

The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times with the same cow.”

Praying Parrots

Praying Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'”

“That’s terrible!”, the priest exclaimed, “Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, “Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?”

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, “PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!”

Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!”