Category: animals

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
“There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, “he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.”

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
“That was fantastic,” he panted.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette!”

Q: What kind of dog does a Dracula like?
A: A Bloodhound.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result — the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

One Sunday morning John stepped out onto the porch in his bathrobe to pick up his newspaper. He noticed a snail on the paper, so he picked it up and flung it across the front lawn onto the sidewalk.

On another Sunday morning, about two years later, John was out on the porch again to pick up his paper, when he noticed a snail on the paper. It was the same snail.

Bill looked at the snail. The snail looked at Bill.

Then the snail said: “Now, was that REALLY necessary?!”

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
fall’s into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the
chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to
safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be
found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole
and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the
horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the
meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The
chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from
the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he
stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for
my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and
pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick
up chicks.

Q: What kind of cats lay around the house?
A: Car-pets!

A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you’re the first……”

This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, “…but they probably weren’t vets.”

Q: Where do cats write down notes?
A: Scratch Paper!

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties. 

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. 

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.” 

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don’t work!

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. “Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!”

“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a swell time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

A woman had a female parrot which kept saying, ‘Hello, I am very horney.
Do you want to have some fun?’ She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor
to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, ‘Bring your bird to my
house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time.
They will be a good influence on her.’ So, the woman brought the parrot to
his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She
squawked, ‘Hello, I am very horney. Do you want to have some fun?’ One
male parrot looked at the other one and said, ‘Put away the Bible, Fred,
our prayers have been answered.’