15. Fever – check; chills – check; uncontrollable urge to defecate on the windshield of your neighbor’s Ford Escort – check.
14. Mom makes you a nice hot bowl of human soup.
13. You feel a darkening in the force, as though a million little chicken souls were suddenly snuffed out.
12. You just served your kids regurgitated cornmeal for dinner again.
11. You have the strange urge to smother your breasts with spaghetti sauce & parmesan cheese.
10. You lose your job at the drive-thru when you start asking customers, “Would you like some gravel with that?”
9. Only medicines that help at all are Kaopecktate and NyQuill.
8. Showing your pecker in public no longer results in an embarrassing arrest.
7. Sudden irrational fear of hot sauce and blue cheese dressing.
6. Your new marketing plan wasn’t the only thing that laid an egg at the staff meeting.
5. You find yourself coughing up Lung McNuggets.
4. Receptionist buzzes you with “Five cleaver-wielding Chinese officials to see you, sir.”
3. That annoying rooster on the neighbor’s farm now seems, well, kinda sexy.
2. Suddenly, you’re deliriously happy to work for chicken feed.
1. Suicidal urge to climb into a hot tub full of boiling teriyaki sauce or a big plastic bag of Shake ‘n’ Bake.