Category: animals

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”

The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.” The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”

The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the Bulls won, the Cubs lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.”

The guy says “What’s up?”

The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.”

The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.”

The guy says “He did??”

The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”

The guy says “My God, what happened next?!?”

The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

What years do frogs like best?
Leap years!

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber.She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”He replied, “It’s the plumber.”He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said, “It’s the plumber!”He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said, “It’s the plumber!!!!!!!!”Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, “Who is it?”; “Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!” he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, “A dead body!” she exclaimed, “Who is it?!”The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q. What do elephants use for tampons?
A. Sheep.

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz… down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, “I’m a Lark and I’ve been sparked”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says “I’m a Drake and there’s been a mistake!”

Q: What�s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A monkey with a machine gun.

What do cows do for fun?
They multiply.

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a
man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200
men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and
asked who was in the first one. “My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.”

Dave was taken aback. “And who’s in the second hearse?”
“My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.”

Dave asked, “Can I borrow your dog?”
“Get in line.”

Spider, Spider,
On the wall,
You think your smart,
You know fuck all,
But that wall has just been plastered,
And now your stuck you stupid bastard.

QUESTION: How many dogs are needed to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark……

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover…..

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….

Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

German Shepherd:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,
STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

You are driving along about 130 mph and a bee SPLAT right on the winshield.What;s the last thing that goes through its mind?It’s ass.