The Panda Bear

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you’re just going to leave?”

The panda bear answers calmlly, “I’m a panda bear.” The bartender says, “Yeah, so?” The panda bear replies, “Look it up,” and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up “panda bear,” and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, “Panda Bear–a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.”

The plumber has arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber.She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”He replied, “It’s the plumber.”He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said, “It’s the plumber!”He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said, “It’s the plumber!!!!!!!!”Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, “Who is it?”; “Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!” he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, “A dead body!” she exclaimed, “Who is it?!”The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

The Road Runner

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz… down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, “I’m a Lark and I’ve been sparked”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says “I’m a Drake and there’s been a mistake!”

The funeral!

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a
man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200
men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and
asked who was in the first one. “My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.”

Dave was taken aback. “And who’s in the second hearse?”
“My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.”

Dave asked, “Can I borrow your dog?”
“Get in line.”

Lightbulbs

QUESTION: How many dogs are needed to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark……

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover…..

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….

Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

German Shepherd:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,
STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz