Category: animals

A guy goes and buys a parrot. The parrot can speak really well.
The guy takes the parrot into a pub and bets everyone that the
parrot can talk well. He gets the odds of 30 to 1. He is just
about to boast about the parrot but the parrot won’t talk. He is
furious and goes home and yells at the parrot. He raps his hands
around the parrots neck when the parrot says, “STOP! Just think
of the odds you’ll get tomorrow night.”

This nice old Jewish lady went decided to buy a parrot so she went to the store and bought one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the parrot up and went to schul (temple). The parrot seemed fine but when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, “It’s fuckin cold in here!”

The woman, completely appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out. Well, the parrot seemed fine for the next week so once again, on Friday she and the parrot got dressed up and went to schul. Like the previous week, the parrot was fine until the rabbi went to bless the congregation at which the parrot, once again, screamed out “It’s fuckin cold in here!”

Once again, the lady was appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out of temple. She decided to confront the man at the pet store to see what was going on. The clerk at the pet store said, “You gotta show the parrot who’s boss so next time he does this, grab him by his legs and swing him around your head a few times. That should teach him a lesson.”

That Friday night they once again got dressed up and went to schul. Like the previous two weeks, when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, “It’s fuckin cold in here!”

The lady, remembering what the clerk said, grabbed the parrot by its legs and swung it around her head a few times.

When she was done, the parrot looked at her and screamed out, “and fuckin windy too!”

A cat eats A frog!!!!!!!!!!!!

what did the fish say to the other fish
if u don’t shut your mouth you’ll get cought

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.

“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.

“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”

What is the matter with sheep?
Bleats me.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!

A woman, three months pregnant was walking by a bank when two robbers
emerged from the bank. The security guards and robbers exchanged gunfire
and the young woman was struck in the abdomen. At the hospital the doctors
concerned for the unborn children decided not to do surgery to remove the
bullets. 6
months later the woman gave birth to triplets. Two girls and a boy all
unharmed by
the bullets. Years went by without incident when one day near the childrens 16
birthday one of the girls when to her mother in tears. The mother asked what
the
problem was and she described that while going to the bathroom a bullet came
out of
her. The mother calmed her down and told her the story of the day she was
shot.
Shortly after that the second daughter emerged from the restroom and in
similar
circumstances started the story about the bullet. The mother stopped her and
again explained the story to the second daughter. Suddenly the young boy
crashed
through the door screaming “MOM…MOM!!!”
The mother stopped him and said
“I know you were peeing and a bullet came out.” The boy hastily said “No I was
out
back jerking off and shot the dog!”

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge.

Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports “The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

Personally, I would pay to see this…

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you’re just going to leave?”

The panda bear answers calmlly, “I’m a panda bear.” The bartender says, “Yeah, so?” The panda bear replies, “Look it up,” and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up “panda bear,” and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, “Panda Bear–a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Q. How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?

A. Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!